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“I’ve been better. You?” I cross my arms over my body protectively, leaning back in my chair.
She pauses, her eyes downcast and unreadable. When she finally looks up again, she’s steeled her emotions, and I want to applaud her for being able to turn it on and off so easily. “Jessica, I need to be honest with you”
My pulse hammers like a drill sergeant in my neck. My body twitches at the urge to run away from what she’s about to tell me, knowing that it isn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows, but I resist with everything I have because I’m done running from her. I’m fighting for me now. I fill my lungs until they feel like they might explode and tapper my breath slowly, counting backwards from ten, and then I nod my head, wanting to hear what she has to say.
“I need you to understand that I'm sorry. Being high was my priority for a really long time, and I’m truly sorry for that. After my accident, I felt as though I’d failed at everything; my ability to look after you, to provide for us. Nothing felt attainable except the control I had with the drugs. They made me feel… better. That control I had, it felt easy, and I didn’t recognise the slope I was falling down until it was too late. When Cam and Harriet took you to Kent your child benefit payments from the government stopped. I wasn’t your mum anymore, officially. I needed money to keep the only thing I had control over and you were the way I got it, so that’s why I came back for you that New Year.” She pauses, as she bites her cheek while furious tears fall down my cheeks. I swipe them away, forcing myself to stay and listen to her.
“Go on.” I say, my voice wobbling.
“Listen, I know that sounds really shitty, and it is. I'm not excusing my behaviour. When I finally got clean, six years ago, a big part of my recovery is to apologise to those I may have hurt in my life and I almost did once. I found Nora’s social media and I saw a few posts with you, and you looked so happy." She quickly wipes away a stray tear before it falls on her cheek, "But that was enough for me to know that I wasn’t going to ruin your life again. Then, as time went on, I didn’t think you’dwantto see me, so I stayed away for good.”
More tears burn my eyes and tiny flames of hurt spill down my face. I can see that she’s sorry, I can hear it in her words, but as much as I want to understand her behaviour, I’m not sure I ever will.
“Okay,” I manage to force out. I don’t know what else to say. Years of dealing with a nagging feeling that I have no idea where she is… if she’s even alive, are drowning me. I clear the tears from my face as I look at the woman who made me. The sweet memories we shared before her accident, when it was just us against the world, slam into me. I spent so long clinging to those memories, hoping that I could get that version of her back. But I didn’t, and now, I’m here, I’m trying to heal from that loss. Ineedto heal from it.
Then it barrels into me like a meteorite tumbling to earth. My mother gave me the best gift she could without even realising. She gave me to people who would love me, care for me, and treat me like I matter. She might’ve been acting selfishly, but I suddenly can’t bring myself to rage and scream at her because I’m too thankful for the choice that was taken away from her. I’m grateful for my Uncle Cam and Harriet. I’m grateful for Nora, Liam, and Zoey… all these people love me unconditionally. All of them have brought me so much joy in my life when it could’ve been filled with sorrow. They are the ones who have picked up my pieces and made me feel whole again. I know my mother still loves me, but that love has consistently been pushed to the bottom of her priorities and forthat, I’ll never understand her. But I can forgive her, because if I don’t accept what I can’t change, how can I move on with my life?
All the anger I’ve been carrying with me for all these years starts to lift. My shoulders relax, my chest expands evenly and with ease, my pulse is a steady silent beat as I look at the woman I thought held all the answers for me. When it turns out, I had them all along.
“You gave me everything by giving me up. I’m grateful that you left me alone all these years. I am the woman I am today because of those who fought for me. But I never stopped hoping that I was going to be enough for you to be better.” Her grey eyes darken as they fill with tears and her lips purse as I continue, “I forgive you, though. I can’t understand you, but I can forgive you and that’s enough for me for now.”
A tear falls freely down her face before she swipes it away as though it never existed. “I never meant to hurt you, Jess. You were my everything.” Her eyes dart away and land in her lap, where she is twisting her fingers.
“I know I was your everything… until I wasn’t.”
Cam and I fall into step with one another as we walk back to the beach house. I focus on the crunch of the autumn leaves underneath my boots, and the distant squawk of a seagull and even the cool, salty sea air that fills my lungs. Before I know it, I look up to see we’re home already.
Cam smiles at me. “Harriett is home early from work, so I’m going to head up to the house. You stay out here if you want. I’ll let Liam know we’re home.”
“Thank you for today. I really mean it.” I pull him into a hug as his clean cotton scent surrounds me.
“Anything for you, kiddo. I’m proud of you. Last year’s Jess couldn’t have done that. Look how far you’ve come.” He releases me, flicking his long, greying hair behind his ears before he walks to the porch, tapping the kitchen window as he approaches, making Harriett jump. I stifle a laugh, watching her clutch her chest and point her finger at him before he ducks inside.
I kick off my shoes and let my feet carry me to the ocean. The firm sand is cold as the ocean kisses the very tips of my toes and then retreats, teasing me with the cool foam it leaves behind. The air smells like seaweed; earthy, sour and a little damp, but weirdly, it gives me a sense of peace, knowing that I can come here, and everything is the same as it always has been. The beach doesn’t change, the tides stay the same, it’s a constant in a world that changes so quickly. I like that.
Soft padding of feet rushing towards me snap me from my daydream and then two familiar, strong arms wrap around me from behind, while my favourite scent that is indescribablyhimassaults my nose.
“You’re back,” he breathes into my hair, inhaling me as much as I inhale him.
My hands grip his arm where it wraps around my stomach. “I’m back,” I echo.
We stay huddled into each other, surrounded by the sound of the ocean swooshing in front of us and the seagulls cawing above us. I lean my head back into his chest, feeling content for the first time in a long time.
Liam drops his hand and reaches between our bodies to pull something from his hoodie. He places the polaroid I found this morning in front of us and rests his head on my shoulder. “You left this for me today and asked me if I loved you even then.” I nod, swallowing a few nerves. He spins me to face him, his eyes searching my face, cataloguing me like they always do, and I can’t help the way my lips purse into a smile for him.
“I’ve always loved you, Jess. From the minute you and Nora introduced yourself at the park where we met when we were, what ten? It was instant. I’d never met anyone like you…” He pauses, remembering the day we met. “You were full of moxie andsucha control freak, but you had this softness that you only showed to people you cared about and when I became one of those people, I knew… I wanted you to be mine.” He looks down at the picture again and laughs. “At some point, I got really bad at hiding it. Judging by that picture, anyway. Your boy has zero game with that poker face.” He laughs deeply, the sound settling somewhere in my soul.
“You looked at me like I was your world even when we weren’t together,” I say, emotion wobbling my voice.
Our noses touch. The zap of energy between us feels potent, like a living flame.
“Youaremy world.” He breathes and I capture his exhale with my lips, pushing myself into him, pouring my emotions into our kiss, because he’s chosen me all these years and even when we weren’t together, he still somehow gave me strength I didn’t know I needed.
Our lips consume one another’s, teeth clashing and hands gripping until we’re both breathless. When we break, our foreheads remain connected, neither of us wanting to lose the other yet.
“Trust me, you had plenty of game. Still do.”
39
