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During my brooding, I realised that I have some topics I want to discuss. I asked Jess and Liam to help me find someone local who wasn’t Nora, and Jess recommended two—one of whom had an appointment free today and we’ve already had a brief zoom call. He seemed nice, which is why I’m here waiting in a reception for him to call my name.
An older man opens a door, scanning the empty room before he settles on me. “Grayson.” He smiles kindly. “Please, come in.”
My pulse speeds up because I’ve never actively sought help for anything before. I’m much more of a ‘sort it myself’ kind of guy, so all of this feels foreign. I shuffle in, not knowing what to do with my hands or if I should sit or wait for him to invite me to sit.
“I won’t bite. You can sit,” Dr Hobbs says. With the very big name sign on his desk, I’ll surely never forget his name.
“Uhh, thanks.” I move to the chair opposite him. Sitting awkwardly and adjusting myself a few times until I’m comfortable. He sits, tapping away on his tablet until I’m settled. “Okay, Doc, I’m ready.”
His eyes lift to mine with mirth. “I’m glad you’re comfortable. So, today I’d like to get to know you and why you’re here. The more involved and collaborative you are, the sooner you’ll see benefits from our sessions. We will also touch on treatment plans depending on how much we get through today. Does that sound good?”
I nod, confidently. “Sounds great.”
“Okay, so tell me about yourself. Even if you think I know it from our zoom call, tell me anyway.”
I run my hands down the length of my dark jeans and take a deep breath.I can do this.
“I’d like to jump straight in, since you know my name and all that already. I recently started seeing a woman, and it was good. No, it was fantastic. She’s beautiful, smart, amazing… well you get the idea.” I pause, feeling the pang of missing her in my chest. “But I got into my own head too much, let my past dictate my future. And I’m here now because I want to be better, for me… which will hopefully in turn let me be better for her one day.”
Hobbs nods his head and takes notes. “Go on…”
So, I do, I tell him every detail about my parent’s divorce and messed up marriage and we talk about how it affects me as an adult. When I leave, an hour later, I feel different, like something has shifted. I’ve spent a lot of time burying the bad feelings around my parents and opting for the good times only. But that’s not enough anymore. I need more out of my life, and I need to be on my way to a clearer headspace to do that. I can’t be everything for anyone if I’m not a hundred percent for myself and starting this process with Dr Hobbs is helping me understand that now.
As I walk to my car, I pull out my phone. She hasn’t texted me back and I don’t need her to, not until she’s ready to talk. But I’ll be damned if I let her continue to think I don’t care about her.
Grayson:Hey, shorty. I hope you’re having a good day. I can’t decide on dinner, we both know I can barely cook anything, so I guess I’m heading to get Thai food. I hope you’re having a good night x
I know I won’t get a response. I haven’t yet, and it’s been a week of me texting. But I need her to know that I’m not going anywhere and when she finally concedes and talks to me, maybe I can tell her how I’m trying to be better, but I only want to share if it’s something she wants to hear.
Grayson:Or maybe on second thoughts, I’ll cook my famous chicken pasta but mostly because that’s all I can cook. What I’d do for some of your cake making skills tonight. Sleep well, shorty x
Nora
“Can you pass the pepper?” Jess asks.
When I do, her eyes give me the same look she’s been giving me all night. Like she wants to tell me something but doesn’t know how. “For the love of God, will you just tell me whatever it is you’re hiding?”
Liam chuckles next to me. They invited me over for dinner—which seems to be a recurring weekly event now, well the two weeks since the whole Grayson thing anyway—and I never say no, because I miss the company.
Jess grinds the pepper shaker over her salmon, then sets it down and looks at me. “It’s nothing, really.”
“Well, that’s a lie. It’s clearly something because you’ve been giving me that look all night. Are Mum and Dad okay? Are you guys pregnant? Are you moving? Please feel free to pause my questions if I get one right.”
“Mum and Dad are fine. You’d be one of the first to know if we were pregnant and we’ve just moved. I am not in a hurry to do that again.”
“So, then…”
“Jess, you’re torturing her,” Liam laughs lightly.
“Thank you. Someone sees my pain.” I gesture to Liam gratefully.
The inhale that Jess takes is directed at Liam, almost silently asking him if she should say whatever it is she’s about to say. He nods and she brings her bright blue eyes to me. “I wanted to see how you’re doing after the whole Grayson thing.”
My eyes narrow. “That’s not all. I can see it on your face.”
Jess shifts uncomfortably. “Grayson seems like he’s doing good. Liam said he’s been at work early and keeping busy. I just wondered, have you spoken to him?”
Hearing that he’s doing well makes me feel something hot and upset. How can he be good when I feel like I’m breaking apart some days?
