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I grin proudly. Anytime she helps me, I hand her stuff after I’ve rinsed it, so there are usually wet forks and plastic dishes clattering to the floor on their way to the dishwasher. Today, though, she had a good handle on everything.
My mind flashes with the memory of Landon standing at my other elbow, scrubbing the pans and glass dishes I used for the chicken-and-broccoli alfredo and side items. He’d get something free of food and I’d rinse it before passing it to Rae to put in the dishwasher. It was nice and quick…and fun, because when we were done, he did what I sometimes do when it’s just me and her: he instigated a bubble fight.
I havea lotof memories of him being amazing today.
Now isn’t the time to think about them, though.
“Great job, dahling,” I tell Rae in my fancy voice.
“Thank you, Annie, dahling,” she says back. “Nowyougo, dahling.”
Chuckling, I inspect my reflection.
She looks so happy.
It’s really something to behold, considering how horrible she looked yesterday.
“Annie,” I say, “you did a good job of letting yourself have a really great day.”
Rae merely hums, “Hmm.”
I know she doesn’t know what I mean, and I don’t try to explain it to her. She’s too young, too innocent to understand the struggle I’ve gone through when it comes to Landon. She’s not ready for the conversation about sexual abuse and how it twists a person up into something that’s difficult and painful to loosen—something that makeslifedifficult and painful tolivein many ways. Therefore, she can’t understand what it’s like for me to let Landon loosen me up.
ButIunderstand.
I’ve felt anxiety trying to pull me back from him even as my muscles urged me forward.
I’ve felt the stinging warning of this or that being wrong and then felt cool peace flow in and allow me to relax.
‘Don’t fucking do it,’the one part of me said as I reached for his hand that time at the table.
‘But I want to,’its opposite argued as I committed to the gesture.
Oh, did I want to. The conversation we were having, him agreeing to take Rae to the dance—God in heaven, I didn’t even justwantto hold his hand, Ihadto. I was too happy not to.
Too happy to get in my own way.
And I’m proud of myself for that.
Yes, I have had a really great day.
Rae yawns and causes me to, too. After we’re done, I ask, “What didyouthink about today?”
She smiles sleepily. “It was the best, best, best day.”
Wonderful.
I’m glad I enjoyed our Super Fun Sunday, but I’melatedthat she did, too.
“Well….” An uncertain look comes onto her face. “I didn’t really have a lot of fun with Lolly.”
My elation dims. “Oh. Yeah.” I frown my agreement as I gently smooth at her hair. “That wasn’t very fun.”
“Why did she call Landon a name that wasn’t Landon?”
I lift my shoulders. “Well, you know how we’ve told you her mind is tired?”
“Mmhmm, but I thought that only made her grouchy.”
