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We’ve just walked past my dad and the woman when he says sharply, “I’m not prepared to be ignored, Landon.”
Without looking at him, I respond to him at last: “I don’t care.”
And I don’t.
I don’t want or need anything from him but more space.
I’m wounded and confused and still very stunned, but I’m not starving for his attention. I’ve done just fine not knowing him, and he’s clearly been happy not knowing me.
Out of nowhere, Rae throws loud words over her shoulder. “I don’t like you, prick!”
Shocked silence rings around the hall. Then my dad is exploding over the disrespect, and Liv and I…honestly, we’re utterly failing at not laughing. That was so sudden and inappropriate andsincere, holyshit.
“Rae,” Liv manages once my dad’s criticisms of us have faded out of earshot. “Babe, you’re so sweet, but please don’t say that again until you’re much older.”
“Is it a bad word?”
“Yeah,” I answer on a chuckle.
“Hmm. Well, he’s a bad man, so he deserves it.” After a second, “Annie could tell he was bad, too. That’s why she called him that, too.”
“You’re right,” Liv says as she calms down. She gives my arm a comforting squeeze and asks more quietly, “What do you need right this second?”
Again with her repeating things I said to her last night.
Eager to put what just happened in the back of my mind with the other stuff I don’t care to think about yet, I reply, “More time with my favorite girls, please.”
Her hand drifts down my arm, pauses, and then slips around my palm. “Need me to drive?”
She never slides her fingers through mine, and I really wish she would right now. But I don’t know if she would be okay with fulfilling that kind of need.
What’s the difference, though?I wonder.She’s holding my hand already—she’s done it a few times now. Would holding it a slightly different way really matter?
“I don’t mind,” she says.
For a crazy second, I think she’s responding to my thoughts. Then I realize she’s saying she doesn’t mind driving, and I nod. What just happened with my dad was beyond shocking, and I know that not wanting to dwell on it doesn’t ensure I won’t. I’ve been dealing with disobedient thoughts all day.
In the car, she keeps both hands on the wheel. I’m fine with it if it’s how she’s comfortable driving, plus it gives me the space to acknowledge that how I hold her handdoesmatter right now.
She may be acting more and more like she feels the way I do, but the last thing I want to do is jump the gun. Liv unfolds slowly. It’s like I thought this morning: her smiles can be bright, she can touch me like I’ve got her name written on me, she can dress up nice for me and I can enjoy every damn second of all of it, but it doesn’t mean she’s ready for anything and everything. And if anyone can read into what other people say and do, it’s her. If I touch her in a way that can’t be rationalized as friend-like….
It’s more likely than not that rationalizing is what she’s been doing while I’ve been falling for her.
I know how we started out. We decided we could be friends regardless of how attracted we are to each other. Decided the chemistry between us doesn’t have to rule us because we can keep it under control, keep things innocent. And maybe that’s true for other people, but it hasn’t turned out to be true for me, and I’ll bet my bank account it’s also not true for her—bet she’s been riding the friendship label like a bike, zooming right past huge sign after sign that we’re meant for so much more.
God, please help her see me,I think upwards as I look at her attentively watching traffic with one red-tinted lip in her mouth.
As we roll to a stop among other cars, she glances at me and flashes me a smile.
I smile back even as I add to the heavens,Very funny.
|| 15 || Liv-Andria
Sitting up in bed with darkness all around me and my head in my hands, I mumble groggily, “Shit.”
I’ve just woken up from this week’s fourth Landon dream.
It’s been seven days—or maybe eight, since I don’t know if it’s late Saturday or early Sunday right now—whatever, it’s been several days since I awoke snuggled up to the man himself on my couch. And in that time, I’ve hadfourdreams about him.
