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Oh, no, no.
“Wearegood together,” he says intently. “Not one thing has to change for that to be real. We’re perfect togetherbecauseof how we started out.”
“‘Perfect’?” I repeat faintly. “You think we’re….”
“I don’t think it. I know it.” He swallows hard as he looks right into me. “You know it, too.”
I say, “No,” like it’s not a lie and shake my head. “We—oh, Landon, no. We can’t—”
“Yes, we can.” His eyes are brightening, his hand sweeping into the hair at the nape of my neck. He looks over and over my face like there are all kinds of things he wants to say right now and none of them will come out.
With each moment that passes, I grow more and more nervous. An earthquake has started up in me and is making me feel horribly unsettled. “But what about only being friends? You were so adamant about that. It wasyouridea.”
The words, “I don’t feel like that anymore,” are easy for him to say. He shakes his head slightly. “I know what we agreed on, but I don’t feel like that anymore and I don’t think you do either.”
Yes, I do.
No, I don’t.
Yes, I—
“Ihaveto feel that way,” I choke out. “I-I have to take care of Rae. I can’t get distracted from her. I have to—I have to—”
I have to stop sitting this close to him.
So much of me hates pulling out of his hold and standing up from the couch, but I can’t smother the thoughts growing in my mind:Ihavegotten distracted. I’ve slipped up bad. I’m turning into my mother.
Oh, God. Oh my God.
I clap a quaking hand over my mouth.
What have I been doing?
He stands, too, and looks at me with soft intensity from across the few feet I put between us. “Liv, listen to me, okay? I get why you’re scared. I understand it perfectly. But you don’t have to be scared when it comes to me—me, Landon, the guy you and Rae have gotten to know so well, the guy you trust more than anybody else. You’ve done such a good job of being—of beingdisciplinedandcarefulandsmart, but…”
He looks at me imploringly.
“…but don’t you see? Don’t you see you can relax now? Can’t you feel that things with me are nothing like things with your mom and those pieces of shit she brought around? Liv-Andria, you don’tbring me aroundRae. She doesn’t suffer so you and I can be together. All three of us arebetterwhen you and I are together, because I’m not a piece of shit and you’re not your mom.”
My heart aches with unstoppable affection at how his words directly oppose what I’m thinking about myself.
I want to believe them. I want to believe all of this, but I just can’t forget—I willnever, everforget wishing my mom would love me more than herself. I swore I wouldn’t shadow her footsteps for a single moment, and now look at me.
“This…” I try to swallow the shakiness out of my voice, but it’s still there when I continue, “…this wasnotin my plan, Landon.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I know, yeah, I know. It wasn’t in mine either. I didn’t start hanging around you with this in mind. It just happened.I was so content with friendship because I didn’t want to bother with anything more after Amanda—I wanted to focus on me and Lolly andanythingother than dating, and now…” I can’t believe his eyes can get any more intense, “…God, I can’t help that I feel like this about you, Liv. You’ve turned out to be absolutely fucking incredible, so to hell with plans, you know? Sometimes life doesn’t give a shit about our plans.”
“No, there’s no‘to hell with’anything!” I take two fast steps toward him, jabbing my fingertips into my chest. “I can’t do this. I can’t do anything like this with you and you know it. I’ve told you I can’t do this withanybody!Have you seriously forgotten that?”
He lifts his hands like he wants to touch me, but he leaves them in mid-air as he insists, “Just think about it. Don’t you agree that we’re better together than we were by ourselves? Don’t we—?”
“Rae and I do notneedyou in order to be okay. We were fine before we knew you.”
I hate the words as soon as I say them because they send hurt spiking across his face.
Irritation is hot on its heels. “It’s not like I think you’re weak or something. This isn’t about you depending on me. It’s about the fact that I like my life more when I’m with you. And, yeah, actually—” he crosses his arms, “—Ihadkind of forgotten you said you can’t be with anyone, because the way you act with me is proof that you can. You know what? Someone told me once that I fucking light up when I talk about you, and that’s exactly what you do with me.You light up.And you know people can take care of a kid and also be in a happy, healthy, proper relationship—we talked about it, what, three hours ago? We can be two of those people! We’re nearly there, Liv, so why make ourselves stop? We can do this!”
“How do I know that?” I ask desperately. “How do I know we won’t destroy everything?”
