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And, no, it’s nothing I’ve ever felt before—not the pleasure, not the emotion. It’s glorious, through and through.
For the first time, I’m truly full of light, and he’s the one who’s opened me up.
I gasp for a breath, quake in body and in voice as I tell him, “I love you, too.”
He exhales hard, holds me hard, kisses my cheek hard.
And the world…
…my life…
…mysoul…
…is good.
|| 20 || Landon
I feel so damn good.
Not just because of what Liv-Andria let me do for her in the early hours of this morning…but thatwasthe absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
And not just because she made me come, too, with her hand moving far better than mine did when I showed her what to do…but itwasthe absolute best climax I’ve ever had.
I feel damn good because she loves me and I know it—because I love her, too, andsheknows it.
There is no doubt about it. Not one shadow. It doesn’t matter that we said it when desire was running high between us; if anything, I think that strengthened the words because they were spoken in a moment of true, hard-earned closeness, not mere lust.
Liv and I belong together, and we finallyaretogether, and it isgood.
Currently, I’m watching her gently style Lolly’s hair into an intricate braid like Rae’s. Lolly has only slightly gotten over her sickness from the other day. She doesn’t look any better, but she’s been saying a few things, like when we got here and she remarked that Rae’s hair looked pretty. Liv sweetly asked if she wanted her own hair fixed, and Lolly nodded, so here we are.
It’s amazing to me that my girlfriend is who she is. She can be a rock and she can be silk. She can be a flame and she can be soothing rain.
“I’m going to be a reindeer,” I hear Rae say.
She’s been talking about the Christmas program she’ll be in at school this coming week. Lolly has been nodding along like she isn’t wondering who exactly we all are.
That’s one thing Idon’tfeel good about: the distance in her eyes.
She isn’t testy or inquisitive, but she is distant.
Not for the first time today, or even in the past few days, I look at her and feel heavy. Uncomfortable. Like this is a tense scene out of a movie that I can’t pull away from.
As always, I try to fight it because I don’t want to feel that way. I want to enjoy my time with her.
But there is nothing enjoyable about losing the woman I see as my mother. The woman who molded me into who I am. The woman I want to be able to talk to about spending my life with Liv and Rae, and about how great being the manager of Kinley’s is, and about so much more.
I can’t enjoy her not remembering me.
I come back again and again and again because she’s had my back my whole life and I want to have hers, but she has turned into some kind of black hole. Everything I say and do and give just disappears from one visit—oneminute, now—to the next.
No, there is absolutely nothing enjoyable about that.
Without warning, the unfairness of it all blasts up through me. I inhale sharply, jump up from my chair, and stride out of the room.
“Landon?” I hear Liv ask curiously.
I make it a whole five steps out the door before I have to stop. I dig my shoulder into the wall, spread a hand over my face, and order myself to calm down.
