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I don’t act on it. Don’t want her to think I’m using her to distract myself from my nightmare. Maybe there wouldn’t be anything wrong with it in reality, but it doesn’t seem quite right at this time.
We eat lunch, watch more TV, unpack some more stuff, and call Shannon so we can talk to Rae for a few minutes. I hold up better and better, even laugh when Rae says she forgot to tell us last night that she accidentally got tape on the Kinleys’ cat when she was helping rewrap Christmas gifts the cat himself had clawed into.
That gets us thinking about our own upcoming holiday plans—our first Christmas together is in just a couple days. We have our small collection of gifts under the tree in the living room, so those are taken care of, but we realize we need stuff to cook on Christmas Day. A trip to the store is in order.
It’s kind of nice to get out of the house and do something normal, nice to be working on a normal plan, but I see a guy who looks like my dad while we’re there, so that rocks my mood. Rocks it harder than I expect, to be honest. I get mad about him all over again.
At home, I chill out after some more housework. When that’s done, we put onHow the Grinch Stole Christmasbecause apparently Rae doesn’t like that one, so Liv never gets to watch it. Then we eat leftover pizza from last night.
We call Rae when it’s near her bedtime so we can say goodnight and we love her.
Some moreParks and Rectakes us right up to being sleepy ourselves.
We get comfortable in bed with her lying flat and me up against her side, my head on her chest, and I sigh inwardly.
I’m proud of myself.
I did it.
I walked today. I was here. I held up, moved, did something. I wasn’t all drift and despondency and stress.
“I love you, Landon,” Liv murmurs into my hair.
She wouldn’t have minded if I’d needed more time to find my balance. Shewon’tmind if I lose it again in the future.
She’s resting one hand on my waist and the other on the arm I have curled around her. I find that one and get it to my mouth for a kiss.
“I love you back.” After I tip a kiss up to her chin through the darkness: “I can’t thank you enough for….”
Before I can figure out how to finish such a momentous statement, she whispers, “You don’t have to thank me.”
I know she means it, but it’s not true for me. I whisper, too, “I absolutely do. You’ve been my strength this entire time.”
She gives me a tight hug.
Even from this close, I barely hear her say, “I’ve tried,” because her already-quiet voice has gone frailer.
I shift myself up the bed so I can return her hug properly. She buries her face in my chest as I tell her, “You’ve been perfect. You’re perfect.”
I can feel her tears through my shirt, but I don’t mind, even when they make me tearful, too.
They pass before too long.
She and I settle each other, and sleepiness settles on us; this was a better day than the last several, but it was still long and it wasn’t without its low points.
I fall asleep with my breathing matched to hers, because the low points of our exhalations are nothing but soothing.
*
I sleep soundly. No tossing and turning. No bad dreams.
Finally.
The morning light I wake up to is cloudier than it was yesterday, and I can hear rain trickling down outside the window.
It would put me back to sleep for sure if Liv wasn’t already awake where she’s spooned along the front of me; instead of shutting my eyes, I touch a kiss to the back of her neck and enjoy the umpteenth steady swipe of her thumb along my hand she’s holding.
“Hi,” I hear her whisper.
