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Like,reallylooking at me. With a hint of a smile on his face.
Before I can question it, he says, “You know, Liv, you get cooler by the minute.”
My eyebrows go up and my comfort level threatens to go down.
Is he flirting with me? Oh, God, please don’t let him—
“My grandpa died a couple years ago,” he continues, sorrow dulling his eyes as he looks at his forest tattoo again, “but when he was alive, he loved being outdoors. I didn’t give a—” he quickly glances at Rae, “—a—uh, I didn’t care about hunting, but camping was pretty cool. And hiking. Nature is pretty awesome, and one of my favorite parts about going on trips with him was the way the trees looked when the sun went down.” He touches his tattoo. “The forest—and everything, really—looks exactly like this at a certain point. You know what I’m talking about? When the sun has set but the sky is still just light enough that you can see? Everything is colorless at that point, like you said. There are only the shapes of things, and…man, I love it. And now that Pop is gone and I don’t go on trips like that anymore, I have this tattoo to look at.”
I do know what he means about that certain surreal point in the evening—and, hey, that’s it, I realize. That’s what I find so lovely about his tattoo: it perfectly captures howsurrealthat time of day feels. It’s a perfect illustration of how mystifying yet simple everything looks between the fading of detail and dimension and the total fall of darkness.
Landon keeps talking, and I make myself look at his face instead of his arm.
“That girlfriend I had—Amanda—didn’t get any of it. She hated being outside and didn’t care about anything to do with it. Thought it was stupid that I got trees tattooed on my arm. The most appreciative thing I ever heard her say about nature was…oh, what was it she said…?” He narrows his eyes. “We saw a tree somewhere that had red leaves on it ‘cause it was autumn, and she said she would kill to have lipstick the color of those leaves.” He laughs and gives me a look that seems to say,‘What kind of comment is that?’
And I really don’t know. I don’t wear makeup because I can’t afford to.
And now I understand the comment he made about me being cool. He wasn’t being flirtatious. He was just enjoying the fact that he’s no longer in the company of someone who cares more about the superficial parts of life than the meaningful ones.
In fact, he finishes with, “It’s nice to spend time with someone who isn’t always only thinking about her-freaking-self.”
Mmhmm. I don’t know all that much about his ex, but the picture of her that’s being painted in my mind isn’t a very flattering one.
I give half a smile and murmur, “Yeah, I never only think of myself.” I look at Rae, who is chewing on her straw and drawing a border of hearts around her menu.
I oftentimes look at her and am just overwhelmed with love for her. It doesn’t matter if she’s doing something cute or something ordinary. Sometimes it happens when I check on her while she’s sleeping, and sometimes it happens when I see her stabbing a piece of macaroni with her fork, and sometimes it happens when we’re enjoying a Super Fun Saturday. And it happens now: that fierce love hits me like a gust of wind, right in the chest, so forceful it nearly knocks the air out of me.
Her existence itself is such a miracle, but she’s not just my dear little niece—she’s the most important part of my life. I don’t know what my world would be like if she wasn’t the center of it, and I’m so happy I don’t have to find out. I’ve been through hell and she’s glimpsed it herself and dumb things happen to us pretty consistently, but…gone are the days of me worrying about her home life with Kelle. Gone is my fear that she isn’t safe and fed and being otherwise properly cared for. All of that responsibility is on me now, and that’s the way I want it.
I love that kid with all my heart and soul, and I would never put her lower than first on my list.
She’s my girl.
I didn’t give birth to her, but she’s my girl, damn it.
Landon’s voice interrupts my reflections: “Cooler by the minute, I say.”
I switch my gaze to him. The smile he gives me is genuine; he can see how much I adore Rae. Not a surprise, since I know my thoughts must be all over my face.
He can reallyappreciatethat adoration, though. Just as Rae didn’t matter to Kelle, he didn’t matter to his mom and dad.
And, actually, that’s not a connection he only has with Rae. That’s also a connection he has with me.
God, what is wrong with people? How can people just stop being parents? All three of us got put lower than first on our parents’ lists.
But, really, did that turn out so badly for the two of them? In their cases, it worked out that their parents sucked. They ended up in truly loving homes—at least, I think Landon did. I can’t tell that there was any real brokenness in that area of his life. I hope there wasn’t.
I didn’t get out of my dysfunctional household until long after the damage was done, but at least Igotout. At least I’m not the huge mess my sister and mother are.
This gets me thinking: the beauty of life really is in the little things, isn’t it? It’s not in having lots of money and living in a big house and being stylish. It’s in your small triumphs and the people whose company you enjoy and the marvels of nature…and the sound of a good song, it looks like. Without meaning to, I’ve started tapping my fingertips to the beat of Foo Fighters’ “Best of You,” which is playing overhead.
I notice Landon is doing the same thing, so I comment, “This is a good song.”
And he makes that exact comment exactly when I do.
We laugh until Rae finally rejoins our conversation with, “Ooh! Jinx! You both owe me a Coke!”
My mouth falls open and Landon’s eyes go wide with heightened amusement. He looks at me as if to say,‘What? Can she really do that? She didn’t even talk at the same time as us!’
