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The honest, serious truth is that it was electrifying.
Itdidlight me up, deep down where I didn’t expect any such feeling for her to go.
In fact, I had so little business being affected like that that I talked myself down from it before she could suspect something was up with me. There’s no way I’d ever forget the hug, but I managed to forget how I felt about it, until now. And now, I can almost feel it all over again.
Bill nods perceptively and hums, “Mmhmm.”
I clear my throat and shake off the memory. “Nah.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
The look he gives me says,‘Are you kidding me?’It’s funny, kind of, since I happen to know he strongly believes,‘Because,’is not a proper answer—he doesn’t even answer his kids like that. He’s always got a real explanation for whatever they ask about.
I can tell he’s waiting on that from me.
In a way, I want to brush this whole thing off and change the subject. My relationship with Liv isn’t really his business, especially since he doesn’t know the things about her that I know; he doesn’t understand how she works.I’mstill learning how she works, even, so why would I listen to what an outsider has to say on this matter?
Of course, Bill isn’t a total outsider. To me and her, yeah, but to just me, no. He’s always been here to talk to me about anything and everything.
What is there to talk about, though? I told myself I was done with dating for a while, and Liv has some pretty good reasons for staying single. The end.
“She’s amazing,” I finally say. “Like, genuinely amazing, in all the ways that count. But there’s nothing romantic between us.”
Another memory flickers through my mind: her soft hair in my fingers, my thumb smoothing down it, my chest full of the need to take the shadows out of her eyes.
Yes, that was strictly a friend thing—friends want to make each other feel better. Everyone knows that. There was nothing weird about me wanting to comfort her.
But I didn’t have to touch her like that to comfort her.
The thought is quiet but sharp.
And so is,I didn’t have to touch herat allto comfort her.
…WhydidI do that—touch her hair like that? And right before then, I touched her arm. Gently. I remember.
Why?
Well, I just wanted to.
It didn’t occur to me that maybe I shouldn’t. Within the space of a moment, I noticed her thoughts were troubling her, had the instinctive urge to touch her, and followed it. There was no thinking involved.
And now I’m thinking about that hug again.
That electrifying—
No. No, no, no.
I shake it off once again, because I need to snap out of this. I’m not going to make a big deal out of things that I’ve enjoyed with Liv just because Bill put the idea of dating her into my head.
It’s like I’ve always said: I can be attracted to her and not have it amount to anything. No fucking duh I like touching her—her hair and skin and face and everything else paint a gorgeous picture of a human woman. Any straight guy in this world would want to touch her at least once.
Bill breaks his silence to say, “All right, I guess where you’re coming from makes sense.” He somehow knows what I’m thinking. “You can think she’s a fantastic person but not want to…you know….”
I nod in fervent agreement.
I don’t want to‘you know’with Liv-Andria.
