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Someone from her past?
Me?
Is that why she wouldn’t look at me or talk to me?
The thought makes me feel sick. Sends my pulse off on an anxious sprint. Keeps me awake.
But as badly as I want to know what was going on in her mind, I know I can’t ask her. Not tonight, anyway—maybe not anytime this weekend.She’sgoing to have to come tomewith it, because that’s how she is.
I think it’s actually pretty likely she was dreaming about something from her childhood, some memory that got dredged up from our talks. And, no, that’s nothing I need to prod her about.
I hope she feels better by Sunday.
I try not to think about the possibility of our plans being ruined. It’s hard, though, because I don’t want to have lost her again. Things have been so, so good between us, and the idea of them withering into silence and distanceagainknocks the air out of my lungs.
Go to sleep,I tell myself.Get some rest. There’s nothing more you can do right now unless one of the girls calls, so try to sleep. You’re tired as hell.
It doesn’t work.
I don’t relax enough to grow drowsy until almost 5:30, which is also when I remember I planned on volunteering this morning at 7 before I go visit Lolly, which I need to do before my work shift starts at 10.
“Shit,” I groan.
And then I fall asleep.
And I wake up when my alarm goes off after half an hour.
And I know I’m not going to have any of yesterday’s happy energy today.
I groan, “Shit,” again and get out of bed.
I can’t help Liv right now, but at least I can help other people.
|| 11 || Liv-Andria
“Calm down,” I whisper to myself, eyes closed, hands tightly gripping the bathroom counter. “Calm down.”
I’ve been whispering this to myself since Landon left hours and hours ago. It hasn’t been working very well.
I’m a mess.
I’msucha mess.
But there’s nothing I can do about it other than try. To. Calm. Down.
Because I have other things to worry about. Things that are happening right now versus things that happened when I was a kid. I’mnota kid anymore. I’m an adult. I have adult things to do.
I have Rae to take care of. It’s Saturday and her injuries are feeling better, so she’s moving around, getting into stuff. And even though she’s back to acting like her usual happy self, I’ll never forget how alarmed she looked early this morning. I don’t want that to come back.
And I have housework to busy myself with.
And…I have Landon to worry about.
He is so fucking wonderful—was so wonderful to me this morning, and to Rae. But how did I repay him? By ignoring him.
I was justsohumiliated, feltsostupid that he had to come wake me up from a nightmare like I really was a kid again.
And I was full of sharp discomfort from reliving one of the worst times in my life.
