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I roll my eyes. He knows she picked that movie the other day and had me bawling.
“Noooo,” she says. “It’s…” she giggles, “…um…a surprise!”
That makesmegiggle. I reach down to pat her head. “If it really isThe Fox and the Hound,I’m going to tickle you to death!”
She squeaks and smiles toothily up at us, then wiggles out of Landon’s half-hug. “Come on, come on, come on!”
As she skips back into the apartment, he and I finally let go of each other. I know my face probably looks bad from crying, but I still give him a little smile as I step away.
It stays in place even when I say the opposite of what I’m thinking: “Don’t feel obligated to stay. We’ll live if you need to go home.”
He returns my smile and gives my damp cheeks a long look that I can’t read. Self-consciously, I glance away and wipe at them…
…and I spot his hands going still in mid-air before they lower to his sides.
With a flip of my stomach, I wonder if he was about to dry my cheeks himself.
I’m far more disappointed that I won’t find out than I am disconcerted by the idea.
He clears his throat. “Movie sounds like the perfect end to my day.” When I look at him again, his cheeks are rather pink, which makesmycheeks go warm.
“To mine, too,” I say.
So it’s settled.
As we head inside, he snaps his fingers. “Hey, sorry, hold on. I’m starving. Let me run home and get a sandwich. I’ll just be a minute, I promise.”
I could use that minute to finish collecting myself, so I say, “Okay.”
He hurries off, assuring me, “I’ll be right back. Don’t start the surprise movie without me!”
“Rae wouldn’t dream of it,” I assure him in turn.
He laughs as he goes.
In the bathroom, I brush my hair, remembering how his hand had been buried in it. And I rinse my face off, stomach flipping again as I imagine him touching it.
This time, when I mumble, “Calm down,” to myself, it’s not because I’m upset. It’s because I don’t need to get carried away.
He’s a hell of a friend, but that’s all he is. That’s all he wants to be. That’s all hecanbe.
In the mirror, I watch sadness touch me just as I feel it on the inside.
I…
…I wish things were different.
I don’t wish I didn’t have Rae, but I wish I didn’t have a lot ofme.Maybe if I wasn’t the way I am, I would be able to really put myself out there with Landon, try to change his mind about not dating, because he and I….
But there’s no point in thinking about that, much less wishing for it.
I am who I am: the daughter and sister of two women who have proved time and time again that selfishness leads to destruction.
I hear a knock at the front door, and my heart lifts just before it sinks.
I’d rather have him as my friend than not have him at all,I allow.
With that resolve in mind, I leave the bathroom and greet a plate-holding Landon as Rae lets him in the door.
