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“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I doubt it.” Her elbow pushes against mine. “Where are you guys?”
“Nowhere.” She’s looking at me expectantly. And I’m trying to be more open and forthcoming about my needs and feelings, so I say, “We haven’t spoken since the Koch thing. I found out that he’d been paying for my fellowship. We had a huge fight over it, and that was it.”
“And he’s okay? With it being it?”
“Nolan is . . .” I stop.
This is the first time. The first time I’ve said his name out loud since our argument. The first time I’ve allowed myself to acknowledge him and the novel, oddly shaped hole he’s left in my chest. It’s like picking at a scab. Digging a wound open, finally admitting that it was never patched up.
“I think we both said some things that we regretted.” I swallow. “Things that we knew would hurt.” I swallow again. “Mostly me.”
“That’s what happens when you fight with someone who gets you.”
I close my eyes. The reminder of how much Nolan gets me is like a punch in the stomach. “I accused him of orchestrating Bob firing me.”
Easton snorts. “What?”
“It just seemed like suspicious timing.”
She bursts into laughter. And laughter. And more laughter. A group of French tourists gives her suspicious looks, but she sobers up when she notices my glare. “Dude, I was there when it all wentdown. I’m pretty sure that’s not what happened. Bob had beengaggingto fire you ever since your uncle left. You were cramping his upselling lifestyle and were utterly replaceable.”
I glance away, irritated. And then I admit something for the first time— out loud and to myself. “I know.”
“You know?”
“I do. But I still have the right to be mad that he didn’t tell me about the fellowship.”
“Okay, but it’s not the same at all. I mean, getting you fired from your job is taking something away from you. The fellowship is giving you something. The two are not even comparable, and— ”
“Iknow,” I repeat through gritted teeth. I did not missthisabout Easton. The way she reads my mind. I’m just thankful she and Nolan don’t know each other and never will. “The worst of it is . . . when I accused him, he didn’t even bother denying it. He just said . . .” I swallow.
“What did he say?”
“That hewishedhe had.” I sigh. “That I needed to be shaken out of my life.”
She nods. The horn of a ferry punches the lingering quiet between us. “Well, you know how I feel about agreeing with white guys with trust funds, but . . . I might have to give him a brownie point here.”
“God.” I groan and lower my head between my forearms. “The things Isaidto him. About him. About his family. I just . . . I was somad, Easton.”
“Who were you mad at, Mal? Nolan? Your dad? Life? Yourself? All of the above?”
I don’t want to face the answer to that. So I just lay my headon her shoulder, let her pet my hair, and for the first time in weeks I remember how much I liked him, even when I didn’t. The way I laughed and felt unsettlingly, tantalizingly seen. The thrill of watching him play, and my trembling heart as I watched him sleep. The odd relief in acknowledging thatwithhim was exactly where I cared to be. And then the anger I felt for allowing myself to do that.
For the first time in weeks I can admit it:
I wish I had the prospect of exchanging more than gambits with him.
I have no idea how to sit across from him for twelve games.
I will have to shake his hand tomorrow, before the first game even starts, and my fingers itch from wanting it so desperately. He must be close, on this island, and I feel it in my bones, his presence. I feel him in my stomach.
“Easton. I think I messed up,” I say.
“Yeah.” She nods. “But I think that, maybe because of what happened with your dad, you tend to believe that when people mess up, that’s it. They don’t get a second chance. And sometimes that’s true, but other times . . .” She shrugs. “I’m here. Your family is here. Nolan . . .” She doesn’t continue.
So I sigh. And she sighs, too. And for a long time we just listen to the seagulls, watch the boats paint white stripes in the canal, and pretend there’s nowhere we need to be in about one hour.
