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“Do you like it?”
“It has its ups and downs. I used to love it, but a little . . . sameness set in, and I actually thought about quitting. Then Mallory arrived.” His knee suddenly pushes back against mine. “Now I love it again.”
Mom cocks her head. “You two must work very closely together.”
“Not nearly as much as I’d like.”
Oh my God. Oh. My. God.
“How’s Mallory at work?” Darcy asks. “Do the old people like her?”
“She has a reputation for pocketing puddings.” Everyone stares at me like I’m that Pharma bro who hiked basic meds’ prices. “And for public near- nudity.”
Mom’s eyes widen. “Mallory, this is concerning— ”
“He’s kidding.” I kick Nolan’s calf, hard. He doesn’t seem to care, but hedoestrap my foot between his own. “He’s known for histerriblesense of humor.” My leg is now twined with his. Cool. Cool.
“Okay.” Sabrina sets her glass down. “I’ll go ahead and ask it, since we all want to know: Are you guys having sex?”
“Oh my God.” I cover my eyes. “Oh myGod.”
“Sabrina,” Mom chides, “that isreallyinappropriate.” She turns to me. “But yes, are you?”
“Oh my God,” I moan.
“We aren’t,” Nolan says between bites of meat loaf. Third helping.
Oh.
My.
God.
“Maybe you’ll have sex tonight?” Darcy asks. “Is that why you came over?”
My twelve- year- old sister, who sleeps with a stuffed fox, just asked the world’s number one chess player if he came over to bang me. And he just replies, matter-of-fact, “It seems unlikely. And no, it’s not why I came.”
“Did you know Mal has sex with boysandgirls?” Darcy adds. “I’m not outing her— she told me I could tell anyone.”
Nolan glances at me. Lightning- quick. “I did not.”
“He doesn’t care, Darcy. And FYI, that didn’t mean ‘pleasego tell everyone.’ ”
“Would you like more meat loaf, Nolan?” Mom interjects, and leaves for the kitchen when Nolan nods gratefully.
“So, Nolan,” Sabrina continues, “do youalsohave sex with boys and girls?”
“Jesus.” An image of the entire Baudelaire family flashes in my head. “Okay, I’m going to nuke this conversation and remind you that you cannot ask people you barely know about their sexual orientation during dinner. Orat all.”
“Maybe he doesn’t mind,” Sabrina says. “Do you mind, Nolan?”
“I don’t,” he says, remarkably unperturbed.
Sabrina shoots me a triumphant smile. Sistercide. Sistercide is the only option. I’ll make Darcy help me hide the body. Or Mom. Or Goliath. “So, boysandgirls?”
Nolan shakes his head. “Nope.”
“Mostly girls?”
