AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I don’t reply, but I do read. And in between bouts of sulking, I do what he recommends, because it’s irritatingly good advice. I tell myself that he’s helping me only because he hates Koch, but I don’t bother trying to believe it.
It’s not like I’m going to win the Challengers anyway. After all, they only chose me because . . .
“Did you say FIDEdidchoose me because I’m a woman?”
Defne nods. Then amends, “Not only. But it played a big role.”
“Why? Tons of women play.”
“What do you know about women in chess?”
“Not much.” I remember Koch’s sneer in Philly.I like it better when women stick to their own tournaments.“Just that there are separate tournaments, only for women.”
“Bigger than that— there are separate leagues, separate rankings. It’s a controversial topic: some say these leagues shouldn’t exist, because they hold women back and imply that they cannot hold their own against male players. Others disagree, and want to preserve a space in which we’re not harassed or made to feel like we’re less.”
“What do you think?”
She sighs. “I think it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t. There’s no winning here, and that’s part of why I stopped playing competitively and chose to focus on . . . still chess, but thepart of it that doesn’t make me want to stab a down pillow with a cutlery knife. That stuff’sexpensive.”
I’m no stranger to overt and covert sexism— I used to work in agarage, forBob— and dudes with moronic takes have been a constant in my life, so—
Except that, no. Theyhaven’t.
“I don’t remember it being like that when I played as a kid,” I tell Defne. “Maybe because I was unrated, or my dad shielded me from it, but chess wasn’talwaysa male- dominated sport.”
She nods. “When you were young, everyone was fascinated with chess and no one really commented on gender, right?”
“Yes.”
“You probably narrowly missed the interesting part. When kids grow up, start looking up to the greats, and find out that Kasparov, theirfave, once said that no woman could ever sustain a prolonged battle.”
I stiffen. “Are you serious?”
“Once, after a tournament, I went to dinner with other players. Someone pulled up a YouTube video— an old interview of Fischer saying that women are stupid and bad at chess. Everyone thought it was hilarious.” Defne looks down at her shoes, uncharacteristically subdued. “I was seventeen. And a GM. And the only woman at the table.”
“I— Screw that, Defne.” I stand, livid. She was younger than I am now. Alone with dickheads. “Fischer was a raging antisemite anyway. He doesn’t get to— ”
“The hurtful part wasn’t Fischer, but the guys in my age group who thought that wearing aFemale chess player is an oxymoronshirt might be a fun joke. The hurtful part was FIDE not doing anything about it. And I’m there, going to tournaments,losing more and more, often to these chess bros who joke about how female brains are too folded to really comprehend king safety, and I start wondering if they’re right. Female GMs are what, one percent? That’s nothing. Maybe we reallyareless. Maybe we do need our special league.”
“Do you . . .” I blink at her, betrayed. “Do you really think that?”
“I did. For a while. And the more I did, the more I lost. I took a chess break, actually. Went to college, got my MBA— did you know I have an MBA? Now you do, please don’t tell anyone, it’s my most shameful secret. Anyway, I thought I was done with chess. Then, one day, I read about a study.
“Some scientist in Europe took a bunch of women and had them play online chess against male opponents in their same rating bracket. When the female players didn’t know the gender of their opponent, they won fifty percent of the games. When the female players were led to believe that their opponent was a woman, they won fifty percent of the games. When they weretoldthat they were playing against men, their performance dropped. But in truth, their opponents were always the same.” She shrugs. Her earrings jingle again, despondent. “If you’re a woman, this system tears you down. Makes you doubt yourself and drop out of the chess club to leave room for the ones who are actually talented. Oz, Emil, Nolan . . . even the good ones, they don’t know how it feels. They don’t know what it’s like, being told that you’re inherently destined to be second best.” Suddenly, Defne’s expression shifts into an impish smile. “But it’s not true. And once we know it, they cannot take it away from us. The day after I read about the study, I went to get this.” Sheslips her arm out of the sleeve of her cardigan. The chessboard tattoo curves against her biceps.
“What is it?”
“Moscow, 2002. The final position of the game Judith Polgar won against Garry Kasparov. Despite that pesky thing he once referred to as her ‘imperfect feminine psyche.’ ”
I laugh. I laugh, and I don’t stop for a good minute. “This is— this isamazing.”
“I know.” Defne laughs, too. Then her face grows serious, and she takes my hand. “Mallory, I grew up in this world, and I know how these assholes think. There has been a reckoning. The old farts at FIDE realize that they can’t keep women out of chess, and they saw you as an opportunity. An outsider who made a big splash at high- profile events. Unlike with other women who’ve been around for years, they can justify their choice by saying that your score is only low because you’re new— but that you’re also promising enough to invite. They can use you to virtuesignal. But Iknowthem. I know that they also think that you can’t bethatgood. That your victories were probably a fluke, and that you won’t win the Challengers.”
Something tightens low in my gut. Isn’t it the same thing I’ve been telling myself for weeks? That I cannot compete. That I’m unprepared. That I’m not as good.I’m not going to winhas been the default status in my brain. Because . . . I’m inexperienced. Because I don’t want it or deserve it. Because I’m a woman?
Do you know how incredible you are?Nolan asked me in Toronto. I told him yes, while still believing deep down that I wasn’t anything special after all. Which one is it, then?
I look Defne in the eye. She has always encouraged me. Always been honest. No relentless, toxic positivity with her.
