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“A few days ago. We had a long discussion. Look, Nikki, this is a highly emotional time. It’s hard on you and Kyle as individuals and hard on your marriage. I strongly encourage you both to talk to Dr.Keezer.”
Hard on our marriage?What exactly had Kyle said? Why was he talking to Dr.Evans and not me? My stomach fluttered. “She has a nice way about her,” he had said after our first meeting. “How old do you think she is?” he’d asked another time. “She has a young face, but the gray hair throws me off.”
When had he ever speculated about someone’s age before? “You have a crush on her,” I had teased.
His earlobes had reddened. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Now I paced our bedroom. “I’m not sure what he told you, but we’re doing another round. When can we get started?”
Dr.Evans sighed. “We need to retrieve more eggs, and we’ll need more sperm from Kyle.” She said the last part as if it were as likely as me experiencing an immaculate conception. “Instead of another round, you might want to think about other options.” She paused. “Adoption?”
The word caused my chest to tighten. “Absolutely not.” I was determined to carry on a piece of my parents. I wanted a baby with their blood. Someone I would look at and see my mother’s smile, my father’s bushy eyebrows, or the olive-green eyes my mom, sister, and aunt all had.
“Just think about it, Nikki, because many birth mothers prefer the adoptive parents to be on the ...” She paused to clear her throat. I recognized her stalling technique and imagined her removing her glasses. “To be on the younger side.”
I stopped pacing and sank to the bed. “You’re saying I’m getting too old to adopt.” Even though I had no interest in adoption, her words were more painful than any of the hormone injections or procedures I’d had over the past two years. If I was too old to adopt, surely I was too old to have my own baby.
“The longer you wait, the smaller your chance will become, especially if you want an infant.”
“We need to start the next round as soon as possible.”
“I’m ready when you and Kyle are.” She said my husband’s name as if it were written in bold font.
Chapter 7
Kyle’s boots thumped on the wooden stairs as he made his way up from the basement. We’d been avoiding each other since I’d confronted him about his conversation with Dr.Evans. “Why would you tell her we’re done?” I had asked after I spoke to her.
“Because I am.” He kept his eyes glued to the home-improvement show he was watching.
“Well, I’m not.”
He’d shrugged. “We’re in a stalemate, then.”
“We need to discuss this.”
“We don’t have the money to try again.”
“I’ll get the money. I talked to—”
“End of discussion.” He’d reached for the remote as if he wanted to press the off switch on our conversation. Instead, the television screen faded to black, and he left for hockey practice.
That was two nights ago. Now his footsteps loomed closer. I thought about fleeing, but before I could move, the door swung open. Kyle and I stood face to face in the tiny hall, neither of us saying anything. Our worst fights were fought without words.
I wanted him to reach for me. Hold me. Tell me he’d overreacted, that everything would be okay. We would try again, and this time it would work. Instead, he slipped by me, skimming the wall with his shoulder so he wouldn’t accidentally touch me.
He stopped at the end of the hallway. “Are you going to get dressed?” It sounded more like an accusation than a question. “We have to be there at one.”
My best friend, Sharon, was hosting a birthday party for her son Cameron, who was turning seven. “I’m not up to a party.” I didn’t want to spend time with a bunch of mothers and their adorable kids. Also, Cameron’s birthday was always a tough time for me because for a couple of months, I’d thought I would have a child close to his age and imagined the two children becoming great friends. The day, the mere sight of Sharon’s oldest son, always reminded me of the baby I’d lost.
“We have to go,” Kyle said.
“Sharon will understand.”
“I don’t want to disappoint Cameron or Noah.”
The way Kyle loved my best friend’s children was one of the reasons I knew he’d be a wonderful father.
“We don’t have to stay long.” He pleaded with his eyes.
