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“I want it open.” I pushed down on the button. Nothing happened. Kyle had engaged the childproof lock. “Lower it.”
“Fine.” All the windows zipped down. An icy wind ripped through the Jeep. “Happy now?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
He sighed as he closed the windows. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” We drove in silence. Miles up the road, the Golden Arches came into view. We reached them, and Kyle turned in to the parking lot.
“Can we go someplace else?” I tried to eat healthy because I thought that might improve the odds.
“This will be quick, and the snow is starting to pile up.”
Although Kyle said he was in a hurry, he refused to order at the drive-through because he was fastidious about his Jeep and didn’t allow anyone to eat inside it. He parked, and I jumped out, slamming the car door and stalking toward the entrance without waiting for him. We stood in line, not speaking, staring up at the menu. By the time we reached the register, the smell of french fries had overpowered my will to eat clean. I ordered some with my salad.
For the first time that day, Kyle smiled. “I would have shared mine,” he said.
I knew he would have, but I didn’t want to eat his because I was mad at him.
Seated at a table in the back, Kyle devoured his burger while I pushed lettuce around my plate. “How many times are you willing to go through this?” he asked.
“As many as it takes.”
“Why can’t you be happy with our life the way it is? We have time to do things we enjoy. I play hockey with the guys. You do that painting thing. We ski all winter, vacation on the Cape every summer.”
“I don’t want paint night with my friends. I want a family.”
“We are a family.”
Two people made a couple. Could a couple be considered a family?
Kyle finished his fries and reached for a handful from my carton. “We can get another dog.”
Cole had died fourteen months before. Kyle and I had agreed we weren’t getting another because no dog could replace that sweet, smart boy.
A mother and three kids made their way down the aisle and sat in the booth across from ours. The two boys, about eight and six, shoved each other while a girl, fourish, screamed that she wanted a milkshake. The mother buried her head in her hands. I stared at her, wishing I were the one sitting with the energetic kids. Let her be the one listening to Kyle trying to talk her out of wanting a baby. The little girl stoppedwailing. She reached for her mother’s hands and tried to pry them apart. “I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be sad,” she said.
I sipped my drink, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t, and tears streamed down my face.
“Hey now.” Kyle reached across the table for my hand. “It will work this time.” His fingers were ice cold.
Chapter 2
The injections, the endless trips to the clinic, the egg retrieval—all of it was easy compared to waiting eleven days to take the blood test. A few minutes before six o’clock in the morning on the day following our trip to the city, I studied myself in the full-length mirror, hoping to see a sign the IVF had worked this time, even though I knew it was much too soon to tell. The image that stared back at me was a bloated version of my former self. The hormones caused me to pack on the pounds. I wondered if anyone else noticed my weight gain. Did Kyle? He would have to be blind not to. I hated looking like this, but it was a price I was willing to pay.
I leaned closer to the mirror.Just give me a sign.What I expected to see, I had no idea. People often said pregnant women glowed. Maybe I was glowing? Nope. My complexion appeared muted today, with yellow undertones dominating my olive-colored skin. The eyes of a mother-to-be sparkled. Mine were bloodshot, with sleep dust clumped in the corners. I wiped it away and blinked hard.Please work this time.Inside my head, I chanted it over and over again.
Outside, the wind howled, and a snowblower buzzed. I pushed open the curtains, expecting to see Kyle clearing our driveway, but it was already snow-free. He was across the street digging out the Abramses, who relied on him after every storm. I smiled, thinking of his kindness. It was one of the traits that had drawn me to him. He had spent a stressful day driving back and forth to the city yesterday andhad a long day of work ahead of him today, and there he was, outside before the sun fully rose, lending a hand to our elderly neighbors. He also helped them in the fall, spring, and summer with raking, mowing, and any household repairs they needed. When my parents were alive, they had sung Kyle’s praises, claiming he was the ideal son-in-law. He’d be the perfect father too. His crankiness yesterday was out of character. He was tired and frustrated. He wanted a baby as much as I did.
While I waited for him to finish at the Abramses’, I made him scrambled eggs, brewed a pot of coffee, and poured him a cup, adding two sugars and two shots of half-and-half, just the way he liked it. The aroma made my mouth water, and I had to summon all my willpower not to pour a cup for myself. I had read a few studies that found a link between caffeine consumption and the ability to conceive, so I had stopped drinking coffee almost three years ago. Old me drank five to six cups a day, and new me always felt a bit sluggish without it.
Outside the snowblower stopped. A few minutes later Kyle stood next to me in the kitchen. His earlobes glowed bright red, and his hands were dry and cracked. I pointed to the plate and travel mug. “I made breakfast.”
He leaned against the counter as he shoveled the eggs into his mouth. “Mr.Abrams has a nasty cold.”
“I’ll make him soup.” I smiled, glad to have something on my agenda today. Determined to do things differently this time so that we’d have different results, I’d taken the rest of the week off to relax, but I was afraid that with nothing to do, I would spend my time obsessing about whether this cycle would work.
Kyle’s eyes fell to my abdomen. “I’ll bring it over tonight. Don’t go near them.”
By two that afternoon, I realized that not going to the office had been a terrible idea. With nothing to do after I’d made the soup, I obsessedabout whether I would get pregnant this time. I even thought about driving to the drugstore to buy a home pregnancy test. Instead, I decided to think good thoughts and figure out how I would decorate the nursery. To get ideas, I logged into Pinterest. I was looking at a room that had one wall painted like the sky on a starry night and the wordsDREAMBIGstenciled on another when I heard my sister Dana’s car rumbling up the street. The muffler had fallen off months ago.
