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I served the food and poured us both big glasses of wine. Hank told me he and Arianna had visited the vineyard in Oregon where the pinot noir originated. Throughout dinner, he entertained me with stories of all the places they had traveled. New Zealand was his favorite. He showed me pictures on his phone from a hike he’d done on the Abel Tasman Coast Track. The beauty of the blue-green water made me want to jump on a plane and see it in person.
As we ate dessert, a key lime cheesecake that Sharon had baked and dropped off earlier in the day, Hank steered the conversation back to Kyle. “You never answered me about Sebastian.”
I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. “I want to forgive him. I really do.” Since the Sunday afternoon we’d gone kayaking, we’dspoken every day and seen each other several times a week. We were getting along great, but I was still questioning whether I could raise Casey’s baby.
Hank leaned forward in his chair. “What’s stopping you?” I felt as if he was willing me to make amends with Kyle and give my marriage another chance.
“I don’t know.”
He sliced a second piece of cheesecake. “Are you afraid he’ll do something like that again?”
“No.” I was surer of that than of anything else in my life right then. Even after what had happened with Casey, I still trusted Kyle. Our struggles with IVF had pushed him into being a person he wasn’t, just like they had changed me. The situation had brought out the worst in each of us.
“Then what’s the problem?” Hank spoke softer than usual so that the question didn’t come off as impatient.
“What kind of woman helps her husband raise a child he had outside of their marriage?”
Hank steepled his fingers together and cocked his head. After several seconds, he answered. “What kind of man stands by and watches another man raise his daughter?”
I took in his slumped shoulders and slack jaw and saw what his decision had cost him. My neck itched as I thought about the assumptions I had made and the way that I had treated him since my parents’ death. I cleared my throat, trying to wipe away my shame.
“A man who tried to do the right thing,” I said.
He reached across the table and put his hand over mine. “Maybe for you, forgiving Kyle and being a mother to his baby is the right thing.”
Chapter 49
Kyle moved home a week before Halloween. He spent his first day in the house painting the office a seafoam green. After work two nights later, he lugged a crib he had built at Luke’s into the house. I could tell by the detail that making it had been a labor of love. Painted a weathered gray, the crib included four drawers, three shelves, and a changing table that folded down.
“It’s not quite done.” He pointed to the backboard. “I want to paint her name there.”
“I guess you’ll have to decide on one, then.”
Kyle shook his head. “I want it to be our decision.” He stepped closer. “The first of many we make together about her.”
I imagined us picking out a preschool for her, discussing what type of activities we wanted her to participate in, arguing over her curfew, and debating at what age she’d be allowed to date. I looked forward to all of it.
“Do you have anything in mind?” I asked.
I waited for him to say Jasmine. That had been the name he’d wanted before I had the miscarriage. He’d planned to call her Jazz.
He rocked back and forth on his heels. “Gianna.”
“Gianna.” My voice cracked as I said the name. “You want to name her after my mom?”
He hesitated. “And my mom for her middle name. Gianna Kathryn Sebastian.” He folded his arms across his chest. “What do you think?”
“Why Gianna?”
“It’s a way to carry on a piece of your mother and make you feel more connected to the baby.”
I glanced at the crib and imagined my mother’s name painted in seafoam green across the backboard. The image made me smile. “It’s perfect.”
I stood in the hallway outside Elizabeth’s office, about to knock. She sat behind her desk, squinting and leaning closer to her monitor. Whatever she was reading caused her to scowl. I slowly backed away from the door. I wanted to talk to her about taking time off when Gianna was born, but seeing her expression made me think this wasn’t the right time.
“What do you need, Nikki?” she asked without looking away from her screen.
Her voice startled me. She’d given no indication that she had seen me standing there.
