Page 13 of If Only You Knew


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I can tell she’s trying to calm him down with her touch, and the fact she has that kind of power over him guts me in a way that it shouldn’t. Becca lived an entire life without me; it shouldn’t surprise me she has this connection with someone other than me. Hudson seems to calm down but doesn’t ever extend his hand in greeting to me.

“You have some nerve coming around here.”

I look at Becca and back at this Hudson character. I’m about to say something and Becs takes charge of the situation.

“Hudson, please don’t make a scene. We just bumped into one another a few weeks back, and we are grabbing coffee. Don’t make this bigger than it has to be.”

Her words seem to penetrate Hudson’s thick skull, and I can see him asking Becca, with his eyes, if she’s okay. I see her nod slightly and my heart breaks a bit because I should be a source of comfort for her, not this upside-down scenario where I’m painted as the villain.

“Becs and I have known each other since we were teenagers. We’re just grabbing some coffee. Would you like to join us?”

I try to play this off as a casual offer because I know how Becca works. If I come off like the alpha male I’m programmed to be, I will lose her, and she will never agree to meet with me again. It felt like shards of glass were forming in my throat when I made this suggestion to Hudson, but I stick to my proposal and gesture to grab another chair.

“I appreciate that, but I have to be in court in forty-five minutes. I saw Becca and wanted to say hi.” He turns his attention to her.

“The kids had an easy start to their day. They were great last night, and all their homework was finished at a decent hour. Jack tried to con me into agreeing to an hour of video games, stating you were allowing that, but luckily my lie detector—Mal—came barreling in and did not corroborate his story.”

That makes Becs chuckle, and I see her smile reach her eyes. Her kids are her world, I can already tell from the mere mention of them from Hudson.

He looks over to me again and quickly returns his gaze to Becca, “So he can call you Becs, huh?”

She gives him a shy smile, and I can tell he respects her enough not to continue on this route of conversation. I see the pain return in her eyes, but she covers it up by changing the subject.

“Hudson, I don’t want you to be late. Tonight, you’re still good with dropping the kids off after school, or do you need me to swing by and get them from your office?” Hudson looks at his watch and probably agrees he can’t continue this little encounter, as much as I know he wants to dig into what my intentions are with her.

“No, I can drop them off. If something changes, I’ll text you.” That seems sufficient for Becca, and they say their goodbyes. I turn to Hudson, “It was nice meeting you,” although nice wasn’t the word that first came to mind, and Hudson just taps on the table twice with his knuckles and walks off, swinging his gaze towards me once more before exiting the coffee shop.

I look over to Becs, who is back to sitting and looking out the window. She’s thinking something over, but it seems once she turns her features back toward me, she lets go of whatever was on her mind.

“So, I guess we have a lot to catch up on,” I begin, hoping we can talk about how our lives have unfolded. Although I never became a father, I have had a lot going on.

“How’s your brother?” I start there because I know how much her brother has always meant to her. This lightens the air between us a bit and she begins to tell me about his adventures being a travel photographer.

“He isn’t in the States much, but when he comes in, he’s the doting uncle the kids adore. He always brings the most interesting knick-knacks from his travels.”

I laugh at that. Becca was never one to collect little things to leave around her room when we were younger. She loved order and said leaving trinkets around made her feel overwhelmed. It seems that remains the case.

“Oh, I bet you love all those little treats lying around the house,” I respond, feeling that comfort knowing she is still, in some ways, the same Becs I loved way back when.

Becca rolls her eyes. “I guess that’s Grant’s job, to forever annoy his big sister. I don’t particularly love them, but I find creative ways to display them around the house without feeling like my home is cluttered.”

She tells me more about how he’s doing, and I feel a sense of relief that life has been good to him. It seems he has remained single and never gotten married, at least he hasn't settled down yet from what she’s saying.

Becca continues on, telling me about her mother and how she remarried about ten years after we graduated high school. The man’s name is Rick, and he seems to be good for her. When Becs went off to college, it seems Grace, her mother, moved here to the city, leaving Saddle Ridge behind.

Apparently, they’ve only returned to Nebraska for quick visits, nothing long-term. I can’t judge as I left Becs and that entire part of my life behind the moment I graduated from high school.

This prompts me to ask, “How’s Ellie? Do you still speak to her?” She looks up at me and her face lights up. “Yeah, she lives a few doors down from me. She moved herself and her family out here a few years back after Beau passed away.”

My heart drops as I hear her say this. I knew Beau passed away, but I never made it to the funeral. I had cut that part of my life off completely when I joined the Navy. And I had a fear that if I stayed connected, I would only come crawling back to Becca with that lifeline out there.

So I did what I thought was best. But this is a classic lesson that we don’t have as much time as we think we do. When we are young, we find ourselves invincible. But as we get older, we realize how precious that time is, and we start to realize our list of regrets can go a mile long. I know mine is.

“My heart was shattered when I heard. I know we didn’t stay connected after graduation, but I did try to reach out a few years ago, looking for him through internet searches, and that’s when the Saddle Ridge obituary came up with his passing. I was beside myself with grief.”

I see the fire in Becca’s eyes when she says, “I’m trying to be calm here, Shane, but how can you sit there and say that? Beau was always your good friend, and you just up and left him. You left all of us. And then you sit here giving me this wholewoe is mestory about the heartbreak you felt at the passing of a friend you didn’t even care to stay in touch with. What did Beau ever do to you to deserve the cold shoulder? Actually, what did I do to deserve that treatment? You know what, don’t answer that. Nothing matters regarding that time in our lives. It won’t change what you did to me, what you did to us.”

Now I see the tears pooling in her eyes. Seeing Becca cry has always been difficult for me to endure, and it seems time hasn’t changed that for me. I go to hand her a napkin, hoping the gesture is enough to get her to calm down. She grabs the napkin, balls it up, and throws it back at me.

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