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Shane takes over, as my body feels like jelly after I had the best orgasm of my life with the first man who ever showed me love in this way. “No matter how much time apart we’ve spent, I’ve dreamed of this pussy. This is mine, Becs, and I don’t care how much you fight me, fight us, you feel this pull just like I do.”
He’s pulling me off him briefly, moving me onto my hands and knees, then he’s pounding me from behind. He feels even deeper than before, and I already feel another orgasm make its way through my body. The tingling feels like it starts from my toes and makes its way up. I’m screaming his name again, although now it’s mixed with Shane screaming with me, “Fuck, Becs, you feel so good. Fuck, oh fuck, fuck.” As he feels his release building, I begin to fall right along with him. Three more strokes and he’s emptying inside me. I feel his cock grow, and he lets his cum release inside me.
When I begin to catch my breath, and I start to peel the hair that’s stuck to my forehead from the sweat that’s gathering there, I feel Shane dropping kisses up my spine. He’s still inside me, and I have to fight the urge to clean myself up and start this whole thing all over again. I start to realize my actions led to this moment and I begin to move away from Shane.
He wraps his arms around my middle a little tighter and simply whispers, “Please don’t pull away, Becs. Please remember how that felt before you decide to put those walls up again.”
That’s the thing that Shane doesn’t understand; as much as I want to keep a wall up between us, we have too many holes that are keeping me from having a stable force around my feelings. My walls are unsteady when it comes to him. I’m not working with a blank canvas. I’m working with so much destruction between us, that the walls fail to exist. But that scares me more. If the walls can crumble too easily, what’s to say we will get through this intact?
ChapterTwelve
SHANE
Present Day
I’m trying to keep her with me. What we just did, it means more than a mindless fuck. I’ve done enough of that throughout the years, trying to fuck her out of my system when I realized it was too late for us to build a future. But I need her to see that we can start again, we’re just older.
I need her to realize we are good together. We can get through this. It’s about communication, which is hypocritical for me to think about now when communication was the last thing I did for us when I broke up with her years ago.
She removes herself from my grasp and stands up. She takes a moment to get her footing secure and turns toward me. Fuck, she’s gorgeous.
Even after all these years, even after giving birth, she is absolutely incredible. I notice these minor changes in her body, mostly the stretch marks that are reminders she brought life into this world. I can’t help but lean forward and kiss them on her stomach. She gasps when I do so and when I look up, she has tears pooled in her eyes.
“I know I hurt you. I know our future turned out differently than we both imagined. But know that I’m not leaving you this time.”
I tell her as she blinks and I see two tears escape when she takes a deep breath, as though she’s keeping herself from saying the first thing that jumps into her mind.
“Shane, how can you say that and act like it’s that simple? I loved you. I may never have stopped. Actually, I know I never stopped. After all the men I dated and I tried to love, no one ever topped the incredible Shane Thomas Philips!”
She brings her arms up by her sides and lets them fall, as though she’s too tired from the mental toll all this has taken on her. I get it. I feel it too. But I also feel like I am seeing the world in color after years of seeing it in black and white. She completes my life in a way I forgot because I pushed all thoughts of her aside when I knew she was no longer mine.
“This is a mindfuck if I’ve ever had one. Here I am upset you walked away, but then I feel awful because I wouldn’t have my twins to love the way I do had you not done exactly that.”
Now her tears are flowing down her cheeks and they’re a reminder I did this to her. This juxtaposition of sorts. She regrets me walking away, but also feels grateful for the gifts that came after I left.
“I know Becs, and I’m sorry for the way I handled things in the past. I don’t have much to offer you by way of explanation aside from my believing I did what I thought was best. But I see now that I didn’t think it through, and I felt like I, no we, were at a crossroads, and I didn’t want you to regret being stuck with me.”
Her eyes have widened a bit and her mouth falls open.
“Stuck with you? You think that by walking away I didn’t have a piece of your heart beating right by my side? I would have walked to the ends of this earth to make sure we would make it. I would have been strong for both of us when you felt defeated. And I bet you would have done the same for me. But instead, you walked away and let me handle life without you. I lived my life, but I lived it muted in many ways. I felt like my experiences simply came up lacking in certain ways. You can never take that back. You can’t make that better. And then you’re sitting here, saying you can give more from this point forward feels like a slap in the face.
“No, Shane. What you can give me will never fill the gaps in the life I lacked for so long on my own. I can’t trust you won’t walk away when you simply get a feeling about how things should go between us. I have a life here. I’ve built a career and a family. How would you act if you couldn’t mold to that, but you felt guilty about approaching that subject with me? You’d leave. I know you would. That’s what you did before, and you’d do it again. Life only gets more complicated as we age, and I fear that’s something you can’t handle.”
I listen to every jab she sends my way. I’m deserving of all her fears, all her tears, all her trepidations. I put them there to begin with. While she walks toward the bathroom to clean up and start re-dressing herself, I take a moment to let her words sink in. I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep, but I also want her to know I’ve spent too many years wishing I could go backward and take a different path. So this is my chance to put my heart on the line.
When she steps back out, I begin, “I hear what you’re saying, Becs.”
I’ve only put my boxers on but don’t move toward the rest of my clothes that are thrown around her foyer and family room. I sit back down on the couch and look at my hands clasped in front of me, stealing quick glances her way. She sits on an ottoman across from me. I assume she needs the distance for this moment in time, and I will grant it to her, even though everything in me itches to hold her in my arms.
“The thing is, I’ve lived most of my life without you in it, physically. But daily, you lived in my mind on repeat. Every place I visited while I was in the Navy, I thought about how it would look through your eyes. Each milestone I reached, be it during my time in the service or when I started my company, I’ve thought out how you would have celebrated my highs and held me during my lows. I know I fucked up years ago and for that, there aren’t enough apologies I could give to fully appreciate how incredibly hard our parting has been on you. Also, know that it wasn’t easy for me.”
She attempts to scoff, but I look up at her, my own tears forming in my eyes, and she realizes that this, too, is hard on me in ways I cannot fully put into words.
“I have felt like I’ve walked through life missing a limb every single moment of every single day. I have lived as a shadow of the boy who left you on that porch. I became a man, but one that felt extreme loss with each moment I lived through without you. I never realized what an impact one moment could have in a lifetime that could catapult me into a universe I wasn’t prepared for. But I kept taking a breath with each new day in hopes it would lead a step closer to you.”
She hasn’t started yelling at me or asked me to leave so I take a chance and start walking toward her. I pick her up and place her on my lap, while I sit on the end portion of the sectional. She gives in to the pull and simply hugs me, letting her head burrow into my neck, and I feel her tears fall onto my skin, and each one is a reminder that I need to honor this chance I’ve been given and not fuck it up.
ChapterThirteen
