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REBECCA
June 1998
Ellie and I are walking toward our locker rooms. I wanted to make sure we didn’t leave anything in the girls’ locker rooms before the cleaning staff comes through and tosses leftover items students didn’t clean up. We walk in and it feels surreal. This is the last time I will enter this facility.
Ellie speaks first.
“I can’t believe we’re graduates. I feel like we've been waiting and dreading this all at the same time.”
She spins in a circle, her arms stretched out beside her, taking in what we’ve considered a part of us for the last four years. It’s hard to look at Ellie and not think of the girl who had all that energy on the first day of school. She opened her arms and heart to me without hesitation, and I have no idea how to explain the love and joy she has brought to my life. I begin to feel the tears fall down my cheeks before I completely realize I am crying.
What is up with my emotions lately? Apparently graduating high school can really take over someone’s emotional status.
Ellie looks and rushes over, “Oh my gosh, Becca. Did I say something wrong?”
I shake my head and try to keep the tears at bay, which is useless. They’re just coming down harder, and I can’t control them. Ellie runs toward one of the stalls and grabs me a roll of toilet paper. We sit on the bench, one we’ve used countless times to change into our P.E. uniforms the last four years, and wait until I catch my breath to elaborate.
“It’s just so hard to imagine what’s next. I feel like so much of our lives have revolved around the same routine. I feel like there is comfort in the expected versus the unexpected. I know you and I will be fine. I don’t know how, but I feel it to my core. I know so much growth comes from uncomfortable situations, but it doesn’t make it easier to walk toward an unopened door. You know?”
Ellie nods but allows me to keep talking.
“I feel so happy you and Beau will continue on together. I’m so happy to see that you’ll get to continue your love in the same state. Hell, the same school! But a part of me sort of wishes that was in the cards for Shane and me. I love that we have these dreams that we haven’t wavered from, but a part of me mourns the fact that we don’t get to start our next step together, per se.
“We have to take separate paths, although together as a couple, we can’t physically take this next leap holding one another. The comfort of having him by my side these last few years has been magical. I knew how special it was, so I think that’s what hurts more. Knowing he was with me, and realizing early on how special our connection is, has been something I never took for granted. But it’s hard not to let my mind go to the what-ifs of our scenario had we taken a different route. Or if I had chosen a different route.”
Ellie nods but stays quiet for a beat. Then she asks me something.
“If you were given the chance to just take that moment and let your mind dream of the other route, what do you think it would look like for you and Shane?”
I take a moment to ponder her question. I fully lean in, because why the hell not?
“Oh, Elody, I would just stay here and live my life, waiting for Shane to return. I could go to a local college and get my general education done here. It would save so much money. I’d still be close to you and to my mom and Grant. I can even see myself getting a job locally and thriving here just as much as I would in New York. My happiness is with him, and all I want is to be with Shane in the end. I love him beyond myself, and I can see life simply being blissful because we are with one another. Maybe I’d have a baby sooner than I had originally planned. But it would all be okay because it would be a product of the love we have for one another, you know? It feels right and free and full of love.”
I’m wringing my hands together, trying to keep the trembling from my fingers from taking over. Ellie grabs my hands and holds them.
“Of course it does. He’s been your constant for so many years. But he’s also been your everything. That’s okay as you have been his. New experiences are bound to happen while you two are away, but it doesn’t have to signify something negative. It can be something beautiful too. So here’s what you’re going to do. When things get hard, close your eyes and just take your mind there. Know that no matter what scenario you take, you have Shane there. Your lives are together, and there is nowhere else that’s your destiny because he’s your one love. He’s your destination, always.”
I smile at her. That’s why she’s my bestie because she calms me in ways I didn’t know I needed. We take this moment to hug one another and my tears finally stop.
We get up and start heading out. We spot Beau immediately, but he looks concerned. He’s staring off where the parking lot is, not noticing us coming up behind him.
Once we reach him, Ellie taps on his shoulder and he startles, looking back at us.
I immediately notice something is off and ask, “Where’s Shane?”
I look around, thinking he’s going to be approaching from the football field, but it seems we might be one of the last students left, while some staff are straggling behind cleaning up the chairs that were out for us graduates.
Beau clears his throat and looks anywhere but my eyes. “Um, Shane wasn’t feeling well so he headed home. He said he’d be by your house later to pick you up for our grad night party.”
He leaves it at that, and both Ellie and I give him a confused look. I try to shake the feeling off, but it sits with me as Beau drives me home and throughout dinner with my family. I try calling Shane’s house line, but he never picks up. It isn’t until I see his truck’s headlights shining into the front window of my family room that I know it’s okay. Little did I know my life would change exponentially when I see him on my front porch only hours later.
ChapterTwenty-Three
SHANE
Present Day
I stare at Becca, completely speechless. I’m sitting up and suddenly I begin to panic. I feel my heart rate speed up, and I can’t seem to get enough air in my lungs. I’ve turned my body so my legs are dangling off the side of the bed, my hands on my thighs, trying to inhale air into my lungs that feel like they’re collapsing.
