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“Don’t!” she jerked back, withdrawing herself from around my cock and scrambling off my chest to sit upright beside me. “After everything that’s happened, I offer you my heart. I offer to rule without a king so I can be with you, and that’s your reply? That I’m—that we’re not enough?”
My own grief reflected in her eyes. Trying to explain this away felt wrong.
And yet. “It won’t be enough for either of us.”
“I make my own decisions,” she rioted. “I chose this. Why doesn’t that suffice? I kissed you in that pavilion. I shared my body with you. The Dark Seasons know about us.”
“We are performers, you and me. With artistry and resilience, we’ll undo the impression we’ve made until the world reduces us to a brief, passionate tryst that ended as quickly as it began. Nobles will court you, and you’ll let them—for appearances’ sake to begin with.
“But soon, you’ll have admirers in earnest, handsome fops with golden hair and golden pockets. Even their snot will be priceless. You’ll gain the approval of your people, who hope for a pristine match. For the sake of a nation, you won’t be able to reject that. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.”
“You’re telling me everything I don’t believe,” she spat. “That’s what you’re telling me.”
“We’ll bicker about how little time you have for us, how each smile you share with another man was merely a facade. You’ll resent me for questioning it, and I’ll resent you for scowling at every man and woman who bats their lashes at me. You’ll hate that I haven’t ceased flirting and teasing, although you know it’s my craft.
“I’ll want the luxury of holding your hand in the halls and the privilege of climbing into your bed without having to wear a disguise and scale a wall. However willingly and eternally I’d do anything for you, the yearning for more shall grow. We’ll argue, misinterpret actions and words, go days and then weeks without having a moment alone. We’ll say the wrong things and react stubbornly, and as much as I fancy make-up sex as much as the next person, interludes will become riddled with tension. It will get messy, and it will happen before we’ve realized it.”
I drove the blade in. “And Nicu will see it happen.”
Briar’s face crumbled. She covered her mouth and twisted away, those snarled locks draping over her naked breasts.
The sight was hell on earth. I wanted her to stop me from ruining this, but she couldn’t, and I couldn’t let her.
“He’ll be heartbroken,” I said. “He’ll want you for a mother and wonder why he doesn’t get to see you. I’ll be in agony, knowing I can’t explain it in a way he’ll understand.
“And whilst I’m kneeling at your feet, juggling and dancing for you, or throwing blades at targets—when I’d rather be hurling them at the insolent pricks whispering platitudes in your ear—I’ll also want to shake you, yell at you, touch you, kiss you, fuck you. I’ll want to do deep, illicit, naked things to you. But with each sunrise, I’ll feel us slipping away from each other, word by word, look by look.” I spoke around the needles in my throat. “It will break Nicu, torture me, and push your limits. In turn, that will hurt you, which is a dealbreaker. I’ll never allow myself to be the reason for your torment, and I’ll never allow Nicu to feel the brunt of it. Don’t make that our future.”
Briar surged to her feet. Shaking up a storm, she threw on her chemise and rounded on me. “Get dressed.”
Well, well. Her first order.
“If it pleases you, Your Highness.”
“It does not please me. I would like to keep you bare for at least several consecutive hours, but then I won’t be able to say what I have to say. Get dressed, Poet.”
I stood and slipped into the horrible pants, omitting the jacket because I just couldn’t with that rubbish. Finished, I spread my arms and waited.
Briar puffed and squared her shoulders. “You’re a coward,” she clipped. “You said if I wanted things to change, I should change them. You said I shouldn’t cling to past ways. You told me that you loved me.”
“Aye,” I murmured softly. “I did say that.”
“And you said loving took courage. We have the chance to become something different, yet you insist upon tucking tail. Well, I won’t let you. You might beautify your words, but Istand bymine. If I make a vow, I do not break it. My will is as strong as my promise, and if you don’t know that by now, then you don’t know me!”
My throat stung. “Briar—”
But I shut up when she knelt before me. “Give me your hand.”
Mesmerized, I placed it in hers, gobsmacked as she spoke. “I swear I won’t abandon either of you. Nicu will have my adoration every morning. He will have me at his bedside every night. I will sit with him. I will listen to his stories. I will tie ribbons through every corridor. I will hold his hand and bring him to the dais, so that he may see his father dominate the great hall. I won’t let anyone harm him. I’m his. I’m yours. You come first because you’re my family, as are my mother and my father and Eliot. You are myfamily.”
Her eyes glistened. “I’m not ashamed to love you, and I will fight for that with everything I am, and I won’t hide it. I have pretended long enough. I’m not afraid of Autumn’s judgment or retaliation.
“And this isn’t purely for us, it’s for the people. Someday we’ll make a difference together, be a finer nation for it, and show them that no other match could have existed for me than with you. We’ll rule and love like warriors.” Briar sucked in air. “All right?”
When her day came, she would make an inspiring queen. Lucky for me, I would be there to witness it.
Transfixed, I stared at her. The worst reply in history wavered on my tongue, but I thought back to something Jinny had said before I left her.
“You tell me,” she had said. “Now that nobody can hear you but Old Jinny. Without your fancy clothes and thoughts, you tell me now that it’s just us.”
