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The trick is keeping him from doing something foolish.
CHAPTER 30
Bowen
THE BED IS SMALLER THAN I WOULD PREFER, BUT THE UPSIDE is that Evelyn ends up sprawled across my chest. She falls asleep within minutes, her body loose with exhaustion and her breathing steady. Her presence is almost enough to combat the fears that come in the dark.
Nothing about this world is what I thought it was.
Not the Cwn Annwn. Not the people. Not even the monsters.
There’s only one person who might be able to give me answers, and they are currently sailing away on the Audacity. Sometimes it’s months before we see the same ship again. Sometimes even longer. The only regularity among the Cwn Annwn is the requirement to visit Lyari on an annual basis to present ourselves to the Council.
I always thought those annual visits were a waste of time, an unnecessary presentation of everything we’ve accomplished since we last stood before the Council. They already know the details of each hunt we embark on, courtesy of the required reports we submit through the magical relay system in each captain’s desk.
Now I wonder.
Are those visits meant to reinforce the authority of the Council, to remind us who we answer to—and the consequences of betrayal? I’ve heard of captains being stripped of their position, but I’ve never heard of anyone being put to death because they were part of a resistance against the Cwn Annwn. Which doesn’t mean it never happened … only that the Council didn’t want to advertise that a resistance exists in the first place.
Nox would know, I bet.
I have no idea where Hedd is headed next, which means I have no idea where his quartermaster will be next. And they are the only person who can tell me what the fuck is going on. If they knew the location of this safe house, knew to send us here, then they have sent others. I don’t know if this underground organization has a leader, but if it does then I need to find them.
The problem is that they’re not going to allow themselves to be found by someone like me. Not until I prove I’m not a danger to them. I don’t know how to go about doing that without Nox. If I can convince them, then maybe they can vouch for me.
Evelyn lets out a cute little snore, and I cuddle her closer. No matter what else is true, I have her. She’s choosing me, the same way I’m choosing her. I just have to work hard to ensure I’m not signing her death warrant. This journey we’re on won’t be safe. But then, what about life is safe?
When Evelyn said she’d spend the rest of her days worried about me getting myself killed … I feel the same. If she left, I would spend the rest of my years wondering if she had many decades filled with joy and happiness before going out at the end of a life well-lived. It would drive me mad. I’d made my peace with that knowledge that I would always feel like I was missing part of myself once she walked out of my life.
I haven’t had a chance to really process that she’s staying. That she’s here in my arms with no intention of leaving.
I want to be worthy of this woman’s love. No matter what she says or thinks, I’m not there yet. Maybe I never will be. But that just means I’ll fight all the harder to honor her.
Her steady heartbeat soothes my racing thoughts and I find myself matching her slow inhales and exhales, my body getting heavy. I wrap my arms more firmly around her, letting the feel of her tempt me into closing my eyes. I fall asleep without any concrete answers, only the assurance that I’ll never get used to sleeping with Evelyn.
To waking up with the scent of her surrounding me.
When I open my eyes, the woman herself, however, is gone.
Moving hurts. I take stock as I sit up, but there’s no sharp pain. Just general bruises and exhaustion from the fight yesterday. My neck is the worst of it, throbbing in time with my heartbeat. I meant what I said, that I’ve been bitten by mermaids before and I’ve never seen an infection as a result. But Evelyn is right that we need to see a healer. Just in case. It would be unforgivable to let arrogance be my downfall.
It’s time to make the trek to Kanghri and throw ourselves on Cato’s nebulous mercy.
I find Evelyn in the kitchen, reheating another soup. When I raise my brows, she shrugs. “There’s not much in the way of perishables, and I don’t recognize most of the stuff in the pantry. So soup for breakfast it is.”
“I’m not complaining.”
“That’s because you’re a very smart man with good survival instincts.” She barely lets me take a spoonful of the soup before she says, “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I just want to put this out there. It’s okay to be conflicted about your past. Both the past with the Cwn Annwn and what came before. If there ever comes a time when you want to take a break from fighting for the greater good to find answers, I support that. I support whatever you need to do.”
“I love you.” Three simple words, and yet they shift my entire world on its axis. I hold her gaze. “I appreciate the offer and the support, but I meant what I said last night. Whatever answers my home realm offers, it ultimately doesn’t matter.”
“Maybe it doesn’t matter now, but that might change. You’re too paladin not to feel guilty if your personal questions override your cause. I’m just preemptively telling you that there’s nothing to be guilty about. No matter where you land on it.”
It’s tempting to brush off the statement again, but she’s right. “Thank you for preemptively absolving me of my guilt.” I grin.
“Oh, don’t play with me like that. You seem the type to adore your guilt. You find it highly motivating. It’s okay. It’s part of what makes you so lovable.” She pokes at her soup. “But don’t think you can distract me with all the love talk, even though I will never get tired of hearing those three words on your lips. You are seeing a healer today. End of story.”
I like how concerned she is about me. I don’t want her to worry, but it warms me all the same. It’s far too tempting to tease her over it, but I resist the urge. Barely. “Agreed. It’s been some time since I’ve traveled up this way, but if Cato is still in Kanghri, ze can finish patching me up.”
