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“Yeah.” Guilt tries to wrap around my throat, but it took two of us to make that happen. I was reckless with my magic, and she wasn’t exactly slowing down to ask questions before she attacked. “I’d say we both share the blame with that.”
She shakes her head. “You’re always so eager to look for someone to blame. It was an accident, and beyond that, it’s not the only way home. Threshold might be the space that connects all realms, but that doesn’t mean the rest of them aren’t also connected in some way. It will take some time, but there’s no proof that it’s impossible.”
She’s not saying anything that I hadn’t already considered myself, but that raises the question of why she’s saying it. I twist to face her. “If anyone can do it, you can.”
“Of that, I have no doubt.” She taps her fingers on her knee. “What I’m trying to say is that I realize I may share part of the responsibility for us coming to this place and getting into this situation. As such, I’m offering to escort you home. After I retrieve my family heirlooms.”
Shock steals my words for several long moments. She hasn’t tried to murder me lately, but a removal of active animosity is not quite the same thing as forgiveness. Neither is this, technically. Still, it’s more than I could have dreamed of being offered. “You’re serious.”
“I see how you light up around him, Evelyn. You might think it’s love, but what happens when the lust wears off? You’ll realize that you’re stuck in a life you never wanted. You like to party, steal things, and embrace every moment of life to its fullest. If you stay here and take part in some revolution, you’re likely to end up dead.” She stares at her fingers. “It … upsets me … to think you might die for a cause that’s not yours.”
Maybe it should hurt that she wasn’t willing to give even the slightest indication of caring until I was well beyond her reach. There was a moment in the past when I could’ve given my heart to this vampire. I don’t know if it would’ve worked out, but it doesn’t matter anymore. That moment is gone. I still care about her, but it will never be what I feel for Bowen.
Still, the fact that she’s offering this option at all warms my chest. I bump my shoulder against hers. “I care about you, too, you know. But what I feel for Bowen is entirely different. It’s more than just caring, and certainly more than just lust. I love him.”
She sighs. “I thought you might say that.”
“You’re right that I’ve never had a cause to fight for before now, but this one is noble. It’s one that Bunny would approve of.” It’s true, but it’s not the full truth. “But even if she wouldn’t have … it’s time I start making my own decisions. I believe in this cause. What the Cwn Annwn are doing in Threshold is wrong, and I might not be a great warrior, but I can help right the wrongs they’ve committed. It’s dangerous, but it’s the right thing to do and I feel strongly about being part of it.”
“If you change your mind—”
“I won’t.” I make an effort to gentle my tone. “But I appreciate the offer. Really, I do.” I stand, my sore muscles groaning in protest. “I better get back to work.”
I leave Lizzie alone in the pantry, her expression unreadable. I didn’t realize I needed to have that conversation as much as she apparently did, but I feel lighter for having done it. As if I really gave us proper closure, instead of running from the discomfort of something ending. How novel.
I want to seek Bowen out, to talk to him about the new confidence settling inside me, but I make myself wait until our shift is over. Nox runs a tight ship and they don’t take kindly to someone shirking their duties—especially since we’re sailing with a much lighter crew than the Audacity really needs to perform at capacity. Nox said something about picking up more people soon, but they’ve been incredibly vague about what that means—or what happens after.
They still don’t trust us. That’s fine. We’ll earn their trust with time.
I find Bowen in our cabin, standing in the shower with his hands braced against the tile. It’s the most natural thing in the world to strip and join him in the small space. I slip between him and the wall and wrap my arms around his waist. “Hey.”
“Hey.” He kisses my temple. “I’m ashamed to say it, but being captain for so long means I’m out of shape. I thought I knew what hard work was, but this is kicking my ass.”
“Mine too.” I don’t want to let go of this moment of peace, but it’s important that I share what happened today. “Lizzie came to see me earlier.”
It’s only because I’m holding him close that I feel him tense. “Oh?”
“She offered to take me home, after she reclaims what I stole, of course.” I lean back until I can see his face. “I told her no. I hope she’s right and there is a path back to our realm; for her sake, at least. But I meant it when I said I love you, Bowen. Not just because you fuck like a god, and not just because you hold me like I’m the most priceless thing in existence. I love you for your stubbornness and your honor and your willingness to do whatever it takes to right the wrongs you have inadvertently caused. You’re stuck with me, at least for as long as you’ll have me.”
He smooths my hair back and searches my expression. “You mean it.”
It’s not a question, but I answer him all the same. “I mean it.”
“I love you, too, you know.” He traces his thumbs over my cheek bones and down my jaw to the corners of my mouth. “I think I started falling in love with you the moment you stole my flask.” He brushes a kiss to my lips. “I guess you stole my heart at the same time.”
“That is so corny and I love it.” I love him. Gods, we aren’t on an easy path, but it’s still one worth traveling. The one I’m choosing. That’s the only thing that matters.
Warmth suffuses me, and for a moment, I’m certain I can feel Bunny’s approval, the sensation as familiar as her hugs. It’s a strange thing to experience while naked in the shower with Bowen, and I actually look at the door as if expecting her to be standing there. She’s not. Of course she’s not. But the feeling takes several long moments to fade.
“Is something wrong?”
“No.” I turn back to him. “I was just thinking that my grandmother would have liked you quite a bit.”
His smile is soft and achingly sweet. “Considering she’s responsible for raising the woman you’ve become, I think I’d have liked her quite a bit, too.” He grabs the shampoo and starts working it into my hair. “It’s going to be a while before they trust us enough to allow us to meet the leader of this movement. We’re looking at a long road and a lot of work.”
“Does that bother you? Being on a ship and not being captain? Of losing that prestige?”
He shakes his head. “It feels a little like penance, but I’m happy to pay it. I have a lot to learn.”
