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“It better not.” I get into the car. “I don’t suffer fools gladly. If you don’t have what it takes to be a part of this business, I can always find you something else to do. Maybe you’re more suited for filing paperwork in the vault.”
His face turns red, but he’s wise enough not to answer. I shut the door on his indignant expression and step on the gas. The moment I clear the gates, Toma is forgotten. As always, Sabella and our problems crowd my mind. How do I handle the situation with Sophie? How do I wean her off my wife?
With Sophie in the car, I’m extra careful not to drive recklessly or to exceed the speed limit.
I’m not sure what to expect when we arrive and Sabella opens the door. Fortunately, Sophie runs up the path and throws herself into Sabella’s arms, preventing me from having to face a situation I have no idea how to handle. If I’m at a loss of how to act, it’s because of how I left Sabella. It’s what happened. It’s what’s changing between us. I want it. Badly. More than ever. I can almost taste the longing on my tongue. But I still don’t have answers, and being caught in this hostile limbo leaves me weary to the bone.
Sabella hugs the little girl tightly before lowering her to her feet. “What do you have there?”
“Look.” Sophie thrusts the box with the new doll at Sabella. “Angelo said I can keep her.” She adds hastily, “If Beatrice likes her.”
“Wow.” Sabella goes down on her haunches and studies the doll. “A friend for Beatrice. I bet Beatrice is going to be very happy to have the company.”
“I think she will,” Sophie says with a big smile, for the first time sounding excited about the gift.
What is Sabella doing right that I’m doing wrong? She always knows exactly what to say and what to do where the kids are concerned.
I hover on the threshold, feeling out of place and oddly like I’m trespassing as the women talk about naming the doll. Sabella suggests that Beatrice should have an input. Sophie decides the doll is from the city, not like Beatrice who’s from the valley.
I’m enraptured as I watch their exchange. I can’t help but admire my wife’s skills with the child. Sabella is protective of Sophie. She’ll do anything to keep her safe. She’ll always put the little girl before herself. She’ll be no different with her own children. She’ll be an amazing mother.
“Why don’t you make our new friend at home in the kitchen?” Sabella says, pulling Sophie inside. “I’ll fix you something to eat.”
She catches my gaze as I close the door, a question burning in her eyes. Am I staying? I don’t reply, because I don’t have an answer. When a beat passes and I don’t move, Sabella ushers Sophie from the lounge, leaving me to my own devices.
My choice.
My decision.
A feeling of loneliness descends on me. Exclusion. A deep, painful longing beats under my breastbone. I want what Sabella has with Sophie. I’ve always wanted a family of my own. It goes deeper than needing an heir. It’s the desire to be a father. It’s the sweet notion of putting a baby in Sabella’s belly. My baby.
And just like that, I make my decision. As I stand on the doorstep of a house I’ll never live in, I know it’s time. I know what my choice will be. It’s not the solution that will break the vicious circle of my warped relationship with my wife, but it’s all I have. There’s only one thing that will prevent her from running from me, only one situation I can exploit to make her stay. It’s not a foolproof plan. It’s not an ideal arrangement. It won’t give me guaranteed insurance that she’ll never betray me, because she may still try, but it’ll make escaping me considerably tougher.
Yes.
It’s wrong.
But.
Sometimes, a man has to do what a man has to do.
She can’t say I wasn’t honest about my intentions. She can’t accuse me of not warning her.
In any event, this will serve to achieve the purpose of our marriage. Or that’s what I tell myself as I climb the stairs and enter the bedroom. However, I don’t look at myself in the mirror as I pull open the drawer and remove the packet of birth control pills. Even before Fabien installed the cameras, I knew where she hid them. It’s not a very clever hiding place, but my wife is young and inexperienced when it comes to deceiving seasoned criminals like me.
I hesitate for a second. There’s no coming back from this. But it’s always been this way between Sabella and me. Full sail ahead. Act first and think later. Do what needs to be done and deal with the consequences in the aftermath of the wreckage.
Fuck.
I brace my palms on the vanity and drop my head between my shoulders when I take a moment to think about how she’ll feel.
She’ll come around.
She has to.
Once it’s too late, I’ll soothe her. I’ll give her all the bling her heart desires. When there are children, she’ll be tied to me in a different way. She won’t be able to leave the country without my consent, not with a child. And she won’t leave her children behind. After seeing her dynamic with Sophie, I’m certain of it. She’ll stay, and she’ll see them on weekends. Yes. We’ll operate like a divorced couple, like I envisioned before.
All that remains is to get rid of Lavigne. It can’t hurt to remove the temptation. It doesn’t mean there won’t be others who’ll be willing to aid her. I’ll just have to eliminate them all.
