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“I believe it. You look beautiful tonight. I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier.” He wipes his hand on his pant leg before placing it back on the wheel.
“Thank you. You look nice too.” I turn off the phone and look out the window.
“Sawyer, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
Shit. He probably heard the pain in my voice.
“Nothing feels different.” I don’t have to explain what I’m referring to.
“Did you expect it to?” Wes asks softly.
“I wanted it to.”
“I wouldn’t.” His knuckles go white as he tightens his grip on the wheel.
“Seriously? Why not? Everything would be so much easier if we could just flip a switch.” I throw my arms up.
“Easier maybe, but not better.”
“What does that mean?”
Wes reaches across the center console and takes my hand. “It means I’d take this over nothing.”
“At least nothing wouldn’t hurt so much. I hate that we have to let some silly designation dictate how we feel.”
“It’s not just that.” He shakes his head sadly. “There’s the fact that we live together, which I’m sure our parents wouldn’t approve of. There’s the fact that I’m eighteen and you’re sixteen.”
“Almost seventeen,” I interrupt.
“And there’s the fact that I’m leaving for school in a few months. Take away any one of those obstacles and maybe things would be different, but all of them combined? Especially the living together part. I don’t want to think about what it would do to our parents to learn we’re even having this conversation. Even with all those things stacked against us I still wouldn’t flip a switch to make my feelings magically go away.”
“Why?” My voice is barely a whisper.
“Think of it like this. It hurts like hell that my mom’s gone. But I wouldn’t turn off those feelings. That’d be like erasing her altogether, and I couldn’t do that to her, same as I couldn’t do it to you.”
“I never thought of it like that.” I blink back tears.
He gives my hand a squeeze. “I know.”
“Will it always feel like this? I mean, your mom’s been gone awhile, does it get any better?”
“Some.” He nods absently. “Time helps. I’m hoping distance will too.”
“What about getting it out of your system?” I lean toward him as he pulls into the driveway, my lips slightly parted. “Isn’t that supposed to work?”
He glances nervously at my mouth and gives a humorless laugh. “I said that about holding your hand and look at us now.”
“What are you talking about?” I rear back.
“I told myself I’d hold your hand one time, just to see what it felt like. Clearly, I didn’t get it out of my system.” He lifts our joined hands as evidence. “Come on. It’s late and I’m sure you’re as tired as I am.”
We make our way inside and get ready for bed, but Wes’s comments have me reeling. He let himself hold my hand just to see what it felt like? Maybe it didn’t get anything out of his system, but it satisfied some curiosity. Why does he get to do that and I don’t? Personally, I think I should get a turn too, and with our parents gone for their brief honeymoon, there’s no better time than tonight.
I’m waiting at his door when he emerges from the bathroom, wearing only a pair of track pants. It makes my mouth water.Damn.
“Sawyer?” A look of concern washes over his face. “Everything okay?”
“I want to do something just once.” I chew on my lip, waiting for his response.
