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“Fine. Good actually. His parents have included me in a lot of their family events over the years, so it was nice to see them all. You could’ve come.” He threads his fingers through mine.
“I know. I get you for the next few days though. I didn’t want to intrude on your time with him tonight.”
He opens his mouth then abruptly shuts it, which usually means he’s got something more to say.
“What? Do I not get you for the next few days?” My voice hitches.
“You do,” he says softly. Before I can exhale fully he adds, “But after that I think we need to give each other up.”
“Wha…what?” I whisper.
“I can’t do this to you, Sawyer.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head slightly. “I can’t tie you down and ask you to wait for me indefinitely.”
“Two years,” I interrupt. “I only have two more years of school.”
“Two years is a long time. I can’t stand the idea of you being alone that long.” He gives me a pleading look.
“I won’t be alone, I have you. You’ll be back to visit eventually, and we can talk on the phone…”
“Which will only make you hurt more,” he cuts in. “Chances are our schedules will make it nearly impossible to talk, and a few minutes here and there will only make the distance worse, not better.”
I take a deep breath to keep the panic at bay. “Talking a little is better than not talking at all.”
“And the time in between? It’s limbo, exactly what we’re in right now. Don’t pretend you don’t feel the clock ticking down until we leave. Phone calls and visits are just more of the same, they’ll always end before we want them to. I don’t want to go through two or more years of that. I don’t want to put you through that.”
He squeezes my hand, though I barely feel it next to the rapid thumping of my heart. I know he’s been feeling guilty about leaving, but I didn’t know he’d take it to this extreme. That he'd choose to give up instead of fight. I have to stop this.
“Okay, yes. I’m counting down the time we have together, and yes I get sad thinking about being away from you. I also get happy thinking about the next time I’ll see you or talk to you. It goes both ways. And I know it won’t be easy, but it’s only for two years.” I feel like I’m pleading for my life, and in a way I kind of am, because I can’t imagine life without Wes in it.
“Two years, then what?” He runs his thumb over the back of my hand, as if the soft touch will make his words hurt less. “What would you do in Oregon? What if it’s not the right school for you and going there hurts your career options? Or what if it is the right school and you’re stuck there after I graduate? I’d be done and you’d still have two more years.”
“I never said I’d follow you to Oregon,” I say defensively.
“You said you’d know where to find me. Doesn’t that mean you’d follow me there?” I don’t answer since that’s exactly what it meant. “Hell, it’s not just Oregon, it’s any school. You’d have two years left after I’m done. And if I go pro? I’d end up dragging you all over for my career without giving you a chance to pursue yours. I can’t be that selfish.”
“What dream career would you be interrupting if we stay together? Have you picked one for me or is our relationship the only part of my future you’re planning without my input?” I yank my hand from his, my shock giving way to anger. The sudden movement causes him to inhale sharply.
“That’s not what I mean. Look,” he sighs, rubbing his hand over his jaw, “this can’t go anywhere. Not now, anyway. We both know it.”
“Silly me, I guess I thought being in love meant it could.”
“Sawyer…”
“Is this where you tell me I’m too young to know how I feel? That I can’t be in love?”
“I didn’t say that.” He shakes his head evenly.
“It’s what you mean.” I blink to hold back the tears.
“I mean what I said. This can’t go anywhere right now, regardless of how we feel.”
“Regardless of howwefeel? You make that sound like you actually love me.”
“I do.” He looks at me so sincerely I almost believe it.Almost.
“If you did, you wouldn’t be saying this. You would stop trying to ‘spare’ my feelings and let me have a damn opinion.”
“I’m saying thisbecauseI love you–because, in the future, when the time is right, I hope it does work between us. But right now, it can’t work. It’ll be easier on both of us if we move on.”
