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Hecansee it? I guess we’re going with still am. “How long have you known?”
“I suspected before you left for college, although back then I thought it was more of a harmless crush, same as Sawyer had for you. Obviously, it’s more than that.”
“Does Jen know?” I bite the inside of my lip bracing for his answer.
“She knows Sawyer had a crush on you. She thinks that still embarrasses her, and being embarrassed is the reason we haven’t been able to get the two of you in the same room for eight years. She doesn’t know you felt the same.”
“You didn’t tell her?”
“No,” Pop exhales heavily, rubbing his jaw the way he does when he’s deep in thought. “I didn’t think it would amount to anything. You were leaving for school, she was underage. I thought the distance would end it, so why draw attention to it.”
I nod absently, digesting his words. “And now?”
“Now you’re staring off into space the way I used to when I was wondering what to do about Jen.”
“Why would you think that has anything to do with Sawyer?” I rub my thigh to get the sweat off my palm.
“Mostly, the fact that you’ve been single for eight years like you couldn’t move on.” He sips his beer.
“I dated,” I say defensively. None of those dates went anywhere cause the girls weren’t Sawyer, but I dated. A little.
“Uh huh. You also sit in her room when you think the house is empty.”
“Well that’s…I mean…Yeah.” I take a drink. “How’d you know about that?”
“You get yourself pretty lost in thought. You never even hear me come home, much less come up the stairs.”
I nod absently. That’s exactly why Sawyer caught me off guard today.
“So you gonna tell me how this came about? Where it stands?” Pop asks.
Pop’s surprisingly calm given that I just confirmed his suspicions, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for all the details. He may not have raised Sawyer, but he’s still her stepdad. I assume that makes him a little protective of her, even when it comes to me.
I pick at the label on the bottle. “I’m not sure where to start.”
“The beginning’s as good a place as any.” Pop gives me a reassuring smile as I take a deep breath and lean my head against the couch.
I tell him about the first time I saw Sawyer, back before I knew she was Jen’s daughter, and that I'd been drawn to her even then. I talk about how she’s so strong and brave, being thrust into the spotlight over and over when it’s the last thing she wants. About the witty sense of humor she won’t let you see unless she feels comfortable with you. And how she had no expectations for me except to just be myself, which made everything between us more real.
Then I tell him how hard I tried to fight it. The conflict I felt about falling for my stepsister, and trying to hide that from her and everyone else. And how happy I was when I learned she felt the same, even though I knew it was wrong.
I finish by assuring him I tried to do the right thing, breaking it off before I left for school. And how I’ve regretted that every day since.
“And here I thought I was so astute, picking up on a crush you didn’t want me to know about.” Pop shakes his head. “Why did I not realize it was so much more?”
“You were planning a wedding. Sawyer and I tried really hard to keep things a secret since our situation was so complicated.”
“Complicated because of your age, or complicated because Jen and I are together?”
“Both.” I sigh and sip my beer.
I watch him drag a heavy hand down his face. Does he think he was a bad dad for not realizing the extent of my feelings or wondering if his happiness prevented mine? At least he’s not freaking out. This might not be an ideal situation, but I’m grateful he’s not hung up on labels that don’t even feel like they apply. It gives me hope that somehow things will work out.
“Did you think we’d be upset?” He frowns.
“I think you would’ve back then. We were living in the same house, across the hall from each other. No one would’ve wanted us to be as serious as we were.”
“Serious?” His eyes shoot wide for a second. “You mean…Nevermind.” He shakes his head, no doubt trying to erase the knowledge that we’ve slept together. “Is that what’s stopping you now? You think we’d be upset?”
