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I sigh and lower myself to the ground, putting my back to the rocks behind me so I can see the view, and Sawyer.
“Growing up I thought I had things pretty good. Sure I’d lost my mom, but I had Pop, I had a good group of friends, I had football. I didn’t think I needed anything else. Then I met you, and I realized that despite all those other great things in my life I was kind of alone. Pop is incredible, best dad a guy could ask for, but there was always a sadness about him that I couldn’t fix. I sensed that, even as a kid, but I didn't want to add more stress and make him worry. And the guys were great in the sense that I always had people around me, but they were people I hung out with, not people who reallyknewme, you know?”
I glance up at her, squinting to make out her expression in the sunlight. Her face is carefully blank, but her eyes are somewhat distant, which tells me she’s recalling her own childhood. She knows exactly what I’m saying.
“Only Ryan knew how my mom died,” I continue, “because I didn’t want anyone around me to act differently when they wanted to have fun. That’s a big part of my life that only one other person knew about, and even though he knew, Ryan didn’t always understand how that affected me. Football was where I could truly relate to the guys, and it filled a lot of the voids. But if I’m being honest, the only time in my life when I was truly happy is when I had you, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. Not when we were together, and then when we weren’t, well...I didn’t know what to tell them. So I kept it all to myself and shut out everything but the game. That’s how I dealt with losing you. I filled all my idle time with football so being alone didn’t hurt as much.
She hasn’t moved an inch, so I keep going.
“The off-season was the hardest. At school I still had all the team resources, and I took advantage of them just to give myself something to do. They called me a machine, praised my dedication, and I let them believe that’s what it was because that was easier than admitting the truth. Being home over the summers – there was so much time. I’d sit in your room, going through memory after memory until it felt like the walls were closing in. That’s when I found this place. The memories were somehow lighter out in the open. Happier. So I’d come up here and tell you which ones I was thinking about, and that turned into telling you everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. You’re the only one I’ve ever felt comfortable letting inside, the only person I want to share everything with. That’s why I wrote to you. It made me feel whole, at least temporarily.”
I hold my breath, waiting for some sort of reaction. Outside, I’m utterly still, careful not to say or do anything that might spook her. Inside, my heart beats frantically, echoing in my ears like a countdown. I just dropped years’ worth of angst and emotion at her feet, which could either make her see me in a new light or send her running for the car. I honestly don’t have any idea what to expect, but it’s certainly not for her to sit next to me.
“That’s why I left.” She picks up a pebble and rolls it between her thumb and forefinger. “I didn’t think I could handle being surrounded by the memory of you.”
“Are all the memories bad?” I sneak a glance in her direction. She’s not frowning.
“Every single one of them is good. Until the last one anyway. That memory made me think the others were something I imagined.” She drops the pebble and looks at the view in front of us. “I like it here.”
It probably makes me the dumbest man on the planet, but before I can change my mind I reach out and grab her hand, linking our fingers together. “Me, too.”
She tenses, and I know she’s waiting to see what comes next. More confessions, more pleading for another chance, a kiss. But I don’t do any of that. I just hold her hand in mine and focus on the scene in front of me, enjoying the moment for as long as it lasts. No expectations, no talking, no nothing. And for the first time since we reconnected, she does the same.
Sawyer
“Tellmewhatthingsare like for you these days,” Wes says as we get back in the car.
“Uh, uh. This is your day, remember? You’re supposed to be showing me what you’re like now, and you’ve left out the most obvious part.” It’s maybe not the wisest idea to bring up my concerns after we’ve had a nice day, but it’s because we’ve had a nice day that I have to. Between the confessions and the joking, and the heated looks coming from those soulful eyes, I’m feeling drawn toward Wes, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
“I haven’t left anything out.” The corners of his eyes crinkle as he casts me a confused look.
“You know, against my better judgement I’ve actually had fun today. Don’t ruin it by ignoring the elephant in the room.”
“What elephant? I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about.” He maneuvers the truck so we’re turned in the direction we came from and starts navigating the bumpy road.
“Football, Wes. The thing that’s come between us for forever.”
“What about it?” He tenses his jaw.
“It’s still who you are. Or are you wanting me to overlook that?”
“It’s what I do, Sawyer, not who I am.” He shakes his head without taking his eyes off the road. “I keep trying to tell you that.”
“And I keep trying to tell you they’re one in the same. You may not be on the field anymore but you’re still in the game and you always will be. If you want me to know who you are now you can’t leave out the biggest part.”
He pulls to the side of the road and puts the truck in park, turning to look at me.
“Did you hear what I said back there? About football being what I threw myself into to compensate for not having you?”
“I heard.” I press my lips together to keep from saying anything more.
“I’m not sure you did. Yes, I’m still involved with the game. It gives me something to focus on. Or it used to. Now it’s almost more of a distraction.”
“You don’t mean that.” I grasp at straws to avoid admitting he’s right.
“I do. There was a time I needed it to get by, but that phase of my life is over.” His voice is unwavering. I can’t reconcile that with his actions.
“How can you say that when you’re still making a career of it. And speaking of, this particular job is something you have only because you got injured. If you could still play you would, so it’s not really fair to claim the football phase of your life is over when you’re still clinging to it.”
