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I’ve heard horror stories about that; one guy being out while the other is still in the closet. The sneaking around, the lies that inevitably come with the secrecy, it wears on you, spoiling everything. That alone should be a red flag with Blake, but I don’t want to stop this before knowing if it could be genuine. Not when I feel a connection to him unlike anything I’ve experienced with another man. That said, I have no desire to live in the shadows. I’m willing to do it up to a point, if only to see how real this can be. But I’d need to know there’s an end in sight. Knowing why he’s still in the closet—the real reason, not just the label thing—would go a long way towards making me feel comfortable with his secrecy.
“Can I ask you a question?” I prop myself on an arm so I can face him lying next to me.
“Sure.”
“Why do you really keep your interest in guys private?”
A tiny line appears between his brows. “I told you, people talk in a small town, and I don’t want the extra attention.”
“Yeah.” I brush a strand of hair away from his face, something I can’t seem to stop myself from doing. “But you also talk about how much you love this place and the people here, and I’m not really following how you can feel at home here and not be yourself at the same time.”
He chews on his lip while staring at the ceiling for so long I start to think he won’t answer. Then he takes a deep breath. “I’m not afraid of people knowing I like guys, but I don’t know what they’d think about the bi thing. Even I have trouble wrapping my brain around it sometimes. I used to get so confused because I didn’t know it was possible to like both, so I’d go back and forth between liking men or women, thinking I had to pick one. By the time I realized I didn’t have to choose, I’d spent so long being lost I just figured it would be easier to keep things to myself than explain it over and over again. That’s why I never dated or hooked up publicly.” His arm muscles twitch as he makes a fist in the comforter. “I mean… I don’t want to be single forever, and I always figured when I found“the one”it would make the choice for me. Sort of like a sign from the universe or whatever. If that was a woman, I wouldn’t have to say anything, just do the whole marriage and family thing. If it was a man, I’d come out as gay. That just seemed…simpler.”
“The one,” I repeat his words. “Does that mean you’ve never had a thing for anyone? Guy or girl?”
“You’re the only guy I’ve been with more than once.” His eyes dart bashfully to mine before focusing back on the ceiling.
“No women?” I prompt.
“There was one who I thought maybe… I haven’t seen her since, though. What about you?” He wets his lips nervously.
“Same as you, really.” I trace his collarbone with my fingertip. “There was one woman who made a lasting impression, and I always hoped I’d see her again one day, but I haven’t. Then I met you, and you also made a lasting impression.”
His cheeks flush the most beautiful shade of pink.
“I’m curious,” I continue, still teasing my fingers over his skin, "you mentioned thesimplesolution being a man or a woman. Does that mean you’re planning to stick to one or the other forever? Do you think you could?” I’ve never asked myself that question, but I also never went through a period of thinking I’d have to choose. I wonder if dating might change that.
He turns his head to face me. “I can be monogamous, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“It wasn’t, but I like the idea that we don’t sleep with other guys. I’m more curious how to keep this,” I cup his dick in my palm, “between us if I’m not just visiting and you’re not ready to come out. It’s not like I can make appointments at the spa since you’re not going to work there anymore, and constantly being at each other’s places would start rumors, right?”
He lets out a ragged breath as I give him a firm squeeze before releasing him. “I do have that spare room.”
“We just agreed yesterday to see how things go and you want to move in together?” It’s hard to keep the surprise out of my voice.
Blake runs a hand over his face. “You’re right, sorry. Bad idea.”
“Well, maybe not.” I run my fingertip along his arm. “It would give us a cover story while we see where things go.”
“Roommates?” His forehead creases with uncertainty.
“Unless you’re ready to come out.” I lift my shoulder, trying to appear indifferent so he doesn’t feel like he has to take cues from me and how I live my life.
Blake gnaws on his lip before turning his wary eyes on me. “Does it make me sound like I’m not into this if I say no? Because I am. Into this, I mean.”
“I know.” I plant a soft kiss on his lips, hoping to reassure him that I understand even if I don’t share his hesitation. “Like I said, we’ll figure it out as we go. For now, we’ll go with roommates.”
Blake cracks a relieved smile. “When do you move in?”
“Next week? I don’t have much but it’s all in my trailer, which is still parked near our last event in New Mexico. I’ll have to drive there and… Shit.” I flop back on the pillow, overwhelmed with the logistics ofsettling down.
“What?” Blake reaches for my hand.
“I have no idea what to do with my trailer. I’m usually always in it so I don’t have a place to store it. Even if I did, it’s where I keep all my camera equipment, so I don’t want to just leave it anywhere.” There’s also the issue of whether I’ll even need it going forward if Axel retires and we stop traveling the country for events. Not that his retirement automatically triggers mine, but if this new idea he has pans out and I stay here…
“Couldn’t you park it at Axel’s place? He’s got a lot of land, right?” Blake’s question saves me from spiraling too deep in my head.
“That’s a thought. It’d be close enough I could have access to any camera stuff I need but still be out of the way since the property is so big. I could get it and be back within a week.”
