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“I know, but maybe we can work something out. I could video chat you or something.”
Shit. That’d be a reasonable solution if I was still single, but I’m not. At least, I don’t think I am… Tripp might have a different opinion. We haven’t talked about what we are, and I was hoping not to just yet since I’m pretty sure he’s not ready to label it. But Luca won’t understand my hesitation without a label to explain it, and if I’m going to deny his request after all these years, I owe him an explanation.
“Can we come up with another option? One that maybe doesn’t involve me?”
“One that… Oh shit. This is because of Tripp, isn’t it? You’re not just fucking you’re…fucking.”
“I don’t understand the difference, but yeah. It’s because of Tripp. I don’t feel right being your audience when I’m sleeping with him.”
“The difference is you’re not just having a little fun between the sheets, you like him.”
“I do. I really do.” I’m suddenly grateful to be on the phone so he can’t see the heat rush to my face with that admission. Not that I’m ashamed to have feelings for Tripp, I just can’t help worrying that those feelings will be our downfall, seeing as we had an agreement. We promised not to let ourselves get to this point. If I’m being honest, I always suspected this would happen, and I secretly hoped it would.
The fact we’ve been practically living together for the past few weeks probably accelerated things, but right from the start I questioned whether I liked all men or only Tripp. Now, I can confidently say it’s only Tripp. Whether I’d be attracted to another man if I gave myself the opportunity to explore that I’m not sure, but I am sure I don’t need to find out.
Tripp makes things fun. Not just sex, but life. He’s full of energy, finds pleasure in just about everything, and makes me see things in a new light. For years, all I saw was hockey, and I don’t regret that. The sport has given me so much, and it’s fulfilled me in a way nothing else could. It's also why I was wary of retirement, which is looming in the not-so-distant future. For the first time in, maybe ever, I can see a future that doesn’t revolve around hockey. Tripp gave me that.
When I think of the future, there's only one thing that matters. I just want him in it.
“You know, he’d probably be on board with watching,” Luca hints.
“He probably would.” I sigh heavily, hating the way that image makes my stomach sink.
“But you aren’t.” Luca must hear the reluctance in my voice.
“Not really, no.” I’m fully conscious that wanting Tripp for myself threatens everything. He might be a willing participant, and I know on some level I’m important to him, but if he came to the realization that this is more than sex to me I’m afraid he'd pack up and leave.
“So, this is serious with you two?”
I rub a hand over my face, as if that will stave off the tension building in my head. “I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to be, then this injury happened and… Things feel different now. I haven’t acknowledged that out loud. All I know is whatever this is, I don’t want it to end.”
“You’re going to leave me hanging over something you aren’t even sure is serious?”
“You’re going to give me shit over being confused after I suffered through years of your unconventional pre-game ritual?” I fire back.
“Suffered?” Luca sounds genuinely shocked. “I thought it didn’t bother you?”
“I didn’t mean it like that, sorry.” I apologize. “It didn’t bother me.”
“About that,” he pauses a few seconds before speaking again. “Were you gay this whole time? I don’t care if you were, I just thought that wasn’t your thing.”
“I didn’t think it was either. And I wouldn’t say I’m gay since I’m not attracted to all men. Just Tripp.”
“Pfft. I’m way hotter than Tripp,” he mutters.
“You sound like you want me to be attracted to you.”
“I don’t,” he rushes to clarify. “Having you watch was never about that, it’s a superstition I haven’t been able to shake in…forever. Still, it kinda bruises my ego, anyway. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe I’m just freaking out over what to do...”
I don’t know the origin of his superstition, but I get why he clings to it so fiercely. It makes sense that changing things up would rattle him, especially when that change comes with a healthy dose of ‘I didn’t see that coming’ like the one I just sprung on him about being gay for only Tripp, if that’s what I am.
“What if you video chatted someone else? Whoever you have that arrangement with here?” I don’t have all the salacious details about how Luca’s superstition works, but if he has an arrangement here then there are other options.
“I guess I could try that.” He exhales heavily. “So, what are you gonna do about Tripp? Think you’ll tell him you’re into him?”
“I thought I might ask him on a date.”
Luca coughs and sputters on the other end of the line. “Doesn’t that step usually come after you decide you want to date?”
