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Summer is beautiful and I have enjoyed many days of dipping my toes in the sea, eating ice cream at the pier and laughing. There has been a lot of laughter and joy in my life and I am grateful for that.
Autumn, when the leaves are reds and oranges and vivid and bright, is stunning as long as it’s not too wet. After years of life being so grey and drab after Jim died, it has been colourful too. I just wanted to paint the scene for you to let you know that I was able to move on with life. I have been okay.
Since I got your letter I’ve not been able to sleep because I realise how much we have missed out on. For that I am sorry. You are and always will be my adored sister . . .
Edie paused for a moment to compose herself. She had to finish this for her sake and for Christine’s. She closed her eyes and took another steadying breath.
Today I may have to say goodbye to you and I’m not sure how to do that. Especially when we have only said hello after such a long time. But I keep reminding myself that at least we do have the chance to say hello and I thank you for that.
Our relationship hasn’t always been the best through these years and I am so sorry for that. Maybe I should have made more effort to be more forgiving but I was lost in my own grief.
Should I say goodbye, Christine? Because I truly believe that we will be together again. Like Jim, you will always be in my heart. You may find it hard to believe but I have so many wonderful memories of you and of us as kids.
Of the summers we spent together on Arran, playing on the beach, crabbing and going to the sweetshop to buy our sweeties. Do you remember the time we came home completely soaked and Mum and Dad just laughed and laughed? We thought they would be cross with us but the opposite. Perhaps that is why I was drawn back . . . because I knew it had a special place in your heart too.
When I walked along the beach the other day at Brodick, I was comforted knowing that the place was a constant presence and was there when we were kids and will still be there when we have both passed. Life goes on . . .
Edie shook as she tried to keep going.
I haven’t said everything I planned to. I tried to write this letter from a place of love. And I hope you know that at the end of the day that’s what matters, Christine. You are my sister and I love you and I always had forgiven you.
Be at peace, my darling sister, because you are so very loved. This is just a hello until we meet again.
Edie x
Edie wiped away the tears that now rolled down her cheeks and placed the letter on the bed next to her sister. Standing up, she walked round to the other side of the bed, leaned down and gently hugged her. ‘I love you, Christine, and always will, no matter what. Sleep well, my darling sister.’
Christine gently opened her eyes and mumbled something to Edie, who had to stoop closer to hear what she said. ‘Thank you . . .’ she said, in a croaky whisper. ‘Beautiful . . . love you.’ She closed her eyes and was soon dozing again.
Edie looked down at her sister one last time, kissed her own fingers and touched them to Christine’s forehead. Then she quietly gathered her coat and bag and tiptoed out of the room. When she reached the door, she looked round once more at her sister, who now clutched the letter in her hand. Edie managed to choke back her emotions until she was well out of the room and halfway down the corridor. Then her sobs engulfed her. The kind nurse spotted her and gently ushered her into a nearby visitor’s room where she handed her a box of tissues and sat beside her while she broke down.
Chapter Forty
The return journey was mainly spent in companionable silence, and Edie dozed while Fergus turned the radio down low, making it just a distracting noise in the background. The day had been long and emotional, and she was glad of Fergus’s company. She couldn’t have made the journey alone. When her tears had subsided, the nurse had made her a cup of tea and sat with her until she’d been ready to leave.
Fergus had waited outside the ward and seemed to instinctively know what to do and say. She would never forget his kindness and was grateful that she didn’t have to worry about making small talk with him as they drove home. He knew what losing someone you loved was like. He had experienced the raw, visceral grief that consumed you, and Edie knew he too had learned that talking about what had happened helped to heal the constant and awful heartache.
After Jim died, Edie had eventually had counselling, and she’d urged Fergus to speak to someone when he’d opened up and told her about losing Ellen. However, he’d said that even just talking to her had helped him, and that the hurt had started to fade to a dull ache. She just hoped he would be able to open himself up to love again one day.
Edie thought about the different stages of her grief and the way in which she’d decided to make a fresh start away from Edinburgh and reminders of Jim. Investing in a new life had helped her and she still cherished their marriage and the memories they’d shared. Somehow she clung onto them and made sure they weren’t tarnished, despite the affair. Edie’s way of coping was to continue to talk to Jim in her head and ask for his advice.
Edie opened her eyes and felt relief as she heard the metallic rattle of the van driving onto the ferry and spotted the CalMac staff in their hard hats and fluorescent vests waving them towards the back of the hull. Glancing over she noticed Fergus stifle a yawn. He drove forward slowly into place, following instructions, and turned off the engine.
‘We’re on the boat now and we need to go up to the deck,’ he said gently.
She rubbed her eyes. ‘Thank you, dear. I’m just glad we made it and the ferry is running. I am so looking forward to getting home.’ She unclipped her seat belt and slowly opened the door, making sure not to touch the vehicle that was parked very closely next to the van. ‘I’m sure you must be tired too. It’s been a long day for you with all the hanging around. Come on. Let me buy you a cup of tea.’
They followed the other passengers up the flights of stairs onto the deck with the bar and café. The crossing wasn’t busy, due to the time of year, and outside was in complete darkness. Edie could only see her own sad reflection in the windows.
Once they were settled with their drinks in a corner of the café, she thanked him again for what he’d done.
Fergus shrugged. ‘It’s absolutely fine, Edie. I’d do anything to help you.’ He took a sip of tea and broke a finger off the KitKat she’d bought him. ‘I am just so glad for your sake that you’ve made your peace.’
Edie nodded. ‘Yes. I’m glad I made it in time. I don’t think she has much longer . . .’ she said sadly. ‘She is so frail and her face white. I almost didn’t recognise her. The cancer has ravaged her.’ She attempted to smile but it was futile. ‘Cancer is such an awful disease.’
Fergus reached over and held her hand. ‘She’s in the best place, Edie.’
‘I know, but I found it hard, seeing her so ill.’
