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He’s affectionate. It’s one thing about Xander Lynol I would have never expected.
“Yeah, well, I’m rather warm. Want me to hobble on over there and let you show me how much you don’t care about my germs, Xan?” I ask.
He opens up the one blanket covering him, and I do just as I told him I would and hobble his way. The chair is big, but we’re large grown men, but as he sits diagonally against one of the corners, he leaves me enough room to slide on in.
“I take it there’s no cell service, still?”
He imparts the slightest bob of his head but it’s his eyes that make me gaze upon him. I’ve studied this man my whole life and right now, they are screaming with deep longing. Do I address this or find another topic to keep my mind off of this pull between us?
And it makes me think, I’ve come to love this little cabin where we’re trapped, but honestly, we’re not destitute. We have warmth and food. It may not be the Ritz-Carlton, but it’s homey, and under any other circumstance, I’d love this place as a second home. Could this be the only place we’ll be cordial together? Will we go back to hating each other? It’s so much effort to hate the man now that I actually like him. But this, us, cuddling and relying on each other is simply survival mode.
“Don’t hate me, Xan, but I like this cabin. This is a great place to be. One with nature, away from the world. To unwind and let the world’s cares roll off your shoulders.”
I tug my back against his chest, and he pulls my hair out of my face. “I agree. When I came here to hang out with Devin, I thought this was a real cabin in the woods. I love it. Nothing like our cabin, which is an extension of our mansion. Mrs. Rogers insisted they’d never own a television. It was all about family time, when they were here. Devin and his dad went hunting every weekend morning. I would go home after dinner, only to sneak into his window later. His parents stopped playing along by a certain age. One day, they had enough of the sneaking around. They told us when I walked to the door, ‘Xander, no reason to use the window when you can use his bedroom door.’ We were busted, but they didn’t care. Never worried about his sexuality or that we were getting it on at night. They accepted me, and when I didn’t have to sneak home at four in the morning, I’d join them. Though I never was any good at hunting, I both loved and envied what a real father and son relationship was like.”
The thought of Xan with this Devin guy sends shrills of jealousy I’d never experienced with Jennifer. On our off times, I knew she would see other guys. And it never bothered me, but Xan, with anyone, there’s this unjustifiable need to hurt everyone who’s had him.
“Is that why you said you were jealous of me?” I ask. “Because of what my father and I shared?”
He’s quiet behind me, but I feel his heartbeat as he lets out a long breath of air. “Yeah. I wanted that. You were so lucky, Clark, and I know you miss your dad. I can’t imagine your pain, but you had something so special I won’t ever have, and my father is alive. Every time I think we’re building something, he then goes and belittles me. Never mind, I was valedictorian in high school, college, and graduate school, and it wasn’t good enough because I shared it with you. Because in his eyes, why was a kid who didn’t have all the advantages I had still beating me at everything?” He stops abruptly. “Oh, fuck, Clark. I’m sorry…”
His face is behind my head, but I take his hand and give it a squeeze. “That was your dad, Xan. Not you. And I always knew he was hard on you,unnecessarily hard. Our moms barely spoke of us, but Ma told me once that just because someone has all the money in the world doesn’t mean they’re happy. Or they have a father like my own dad. She didn’t have to tell me who she was talking about. It was one of the few times I wanted to put all this shit behind us and be your friend.”
His deep belly chuckle does something to my body. It radiates through me. “Then I probably ruined it with my big mouth.”
I join in with his jovial tone. “Something like that, Mr. Money Bags.”
“Hey, Clark?” he asks.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to go back to hating you. I actually am finding you’re fun to be around.”
“Same here,” I reply, leaving my response brief and to the point.
“But,” he begins, and I know where this is going. “What is this? What do we do once it’s over?”
“Do you mean once we’re rescued?” I clarify.
“Yeah,” he answers.
“Let’s cross that bridge when we get there, okay?”
Could we be more? Isn’t that the million-dollar question? And my wish is different from my expectation. If we didn’t have this history, there are just things that should never be—like eggs and ketchup, and chocolate-covered bacon,we’re just something that should never be.
He’s quiet for a moment. “Um, okay.” It’s not the answer he wants, but I don’t have one. Not right now.
“Hey, we should most likely get some sleep, don’t you think?” It’s his idea but I know he’s mad or at the very least disappointed without an answer on my end, he stands to turn off the light, the fire brightening our night, and in turn, our awkwardness.
* * *
I wakewith my hand on his hard-on. After upsetting him, I’d planned to let our one time together, be just that, but my hand has other ideas.
“Someone ready to go again, Farmer?” Xan’s voice is so full of hope by the way it’s raised in its pitch.
“Apparently. Now shut up and fuck me,” I command and Xan is eager, too, because I hear the foil of the condom pack rip, along with the cap of the lube.
“You don’t have to ask me twice, Clark. Somehow, you make me want to go again.” But I have an idea, because it was fucking hot when he did it.
