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His expression twists to one of exasperation.
The man has tried, God has he tried, to get me to call him by something but I refuse. It's too casual and he's not casual. He's not my friend. He's not my dad. He was my professor and now he's the guy who fucked up my life. Who fucked up multiple lives. All because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
He's barely even a person to me.
This whole arrangement was his idea. He claimed he spent twenty-one years not knowing me and he didn't want to waste a single one more. I refused, at first. I was adamant that I wouldn't play happy family.
It turns out the Jacobs men are just as stubborn as the Evans women. He pleaded. He begged. He offered money and cars and countless other shit that I didn't want or need. I would've said yes just to stop all the fucking incessant bribery and begging, but in the end, it was Pen who convinced me to.
She always went because she didn't want to leave her mom alone with him, and she'd come home after so fucking miserable and drained. So, I agreed to this whole bizarre thing because maybe if I was there it would be just a little better for her.
Drinks, as always, are the most tolerable part of the evening, mostly because they involve me and Pen subtly trying to outdrink each other while our father stares at us, disapproval evident but not enough balls to call us out. Ma, when she joins us once every couple of months for God knows what reason, alternates between casting pleading glances my way and apologetic ones towards Mrs Jacobs while quite skillfully ignoring Professor Jacobs.
By the time we move to the dining room—because of course they have a big, fancy dining room—I'm usually swaying on my feet a little. Tonight is no different. Except tonight, it seems like someone in this family manages to find their courage because Ma catches me by the elbow the second I stand.
“Lu.” She tugs me to face her. “Hi.”
I swallow hard and force a smile. “Hi.”
The awkwardness kills me. It genuinely feels like a knife to my gut. I can't think of a single previous time in our life when it's been awkward between us. But I guess everything has to turn to shit eventually.
“You look good, hun.”Better than the last time I saw you.
I hear those unspoken words, loud and clear, and barely contain a scoff. Of course I look better than the last time she saw me. A corpse would look better.
I can admit, I was a fucking mess, and not the hot kind. The first few months after the big news dropped, I was a liability. Drinking myself half to death, barely eating, barely moving. Finding out my mom's a homewrecking liar, my dad's a cheat, and my sister had been sitting beside me in fucking class for half the year... It was a lot.
Add in the breakup that cracked me in half and I was basically a shell of a person.
I was drowning and I refused to let anyone help. I think Pen was the only person I spoke to for most of the summer, and that was only because I had to. Hard to ignore the person you live with.
Then junior year started and I got a colossal kick in the ass. The first month or so of college, I was still a moping mess, skipping classes, most of the time not on purpose but just because I was too out of it to remember they were even on. And then I got an email informing me my scholarship was at risk. Even in the state I was in, I had the good sense not to fuck with the one thing shining any bit of light in my life.
So I got out of bed, rolled into a much-needed shower, and wised the fuck up because no fucking way was I going to throw my life away because of a lying, cheating, scumbag of a man.
I sorted myself out. I processed the Jackson-sized hole in my life the proper way; by getting new piercings and dying my hair and hiding the box of his things under my bed, out of sight but never quite out of mind. I got a job. Two jobs, actually, because Greenies fired me and even though the place was a steaming pile of shit, they paid well. The couple of nights a week I managed to pick up at a bar not far from campus weren't quite enough to survive, and then the office job opportunity fell in my lap, so I took it.
I got it together. It was hard and the last thing I felt like doing, or even wanted to do. But I did it.
“I don't leave until Sunday,” Ma continues, reminding me of her presence. I wince, already knowing what she's going to say. “Can we do something tomorrow?”
“I can't.” Her face falls. “I have homework to catch up on and I work tomorrow night.”
She arches an unconvinced brow. “The office is open on a Saturday night?”
I'm a little surprised she knows about the office job considering I sure as hell didn't tell her about it but I shake it off. “No. My other job.”
“Two jobs, Lu?” Ma shifts in place, crossing her arms over her chest in an oh-so-motherly way. “Hun, if you need money-”
“No.” I butt in before the offer can fully leave her mouth. “I don't want your money.” Not when it'shismoney.
Surprise surprise, not only is Professor Jacobs my secret father, but he was also Ma's secret buyer. I don't believe Ma when she says she didn't know it was him. I don't believe anything she says anymore.
Without letting her get another word out, I walk towards where Pen is lingering, waiting for me. She offers me an encouraging smile as she links her fingers through mine, squeezing me tight when I give her the 'I'm okay' nod.
I am okay. I've been okay. I'm always okay.
I just want to get through this night, get through this dinner, so I can go home and forget these people exist for another week.
