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One year ago today, I hated you.
Sorry if that hurts your feelings or whatever but you and Mama say ‘honesty is the best policy’ all the time so I figure you’ll get over it. And when Toby reads these, I want her to really understand, y’know? I want her to feel like she was there. I don’t want her to feel left out or anything when everyone talks about how y’all fell in love.
Anyway.
I don’t know if you remember how we met but I do. I was so excited, Cass. You were my hero. I wanted to be just like you but then you said Mama’s name and you ruined it. You were mean to her and you ruined it. Do you ever think about that? The beginning, when you made her sad? Do you regret it? I bet you do. Rory says you were only so rude ‘cause you liked Mama so much but Auntie Amelia says that’s bullshit—I’m quoting her so that doesn’t count for the swear jar, okay?—but Auntie Kate said it’s true and she’s kinda always right so.
I think it’s kinda cool that a year later, you’re my hero again. Well, one of them. Besides Mama.
Auntie Luna is really cool too.
Cass,
I turned thirteen today, and Mama says you’re ridiculous.
She said it behind your back all day but she said it to your face too so I don’t think it’s a secret. She says you spoil me too much and that me and October are gonna be huge brats but she couldn’t stop smiling. You saw her, right? She was happy. You make her really happy.
You made me really happy too. Thank you for the party. And for the presents. I’m writing in my new journal now—which you know, obviously, because you’re reading it. Uncle Jackson says he’s gonna hang up the frame tomorrow. I’m gonna make him put it above my desk, I think. So every time I write in my journal, I see yours too. I really like the page you picked. I liked that day too, the first game we went to together. I like knowing what you thought that day. That you were happy too.
Oh, yeah. Speaking of games. Mama also keeps saying you’re compensating and I can’t tell her you don’t need to because I can’t tell her about last year. I think you should, though. I don’t think she can be mad about something that happened a whole year ago. Honestly, I don’t think she would’ve been mad at all. They were just baseball tickets. I turned them down. You wanted to see me and I said no. Mostly because I knew she would come and see you and be sad or she’d send me alone and be sad anyway, but that doesn’t matter anymore, does it?
Think about it. No secrets, remember?
Cass,
It feels weird writing to you about things that you already know happened but Ms. Hovan—the teacher’s aide that helps me and Izzy sometimes, remember? You met her on parent's day. She giggled and called you Mr Lane—really likes Mama’s exercise and says it helps, and she thinks it’s cool I write them to you. So I’ll keep doing it, I guess.
Even if you already know that you and Mama got married so telling you about it is kinda pointless.
It was a really good day. You looked cool. Mama was pretty. Toby was adorable. I saw you crying when she walked down the aisle, by the way. Both of them. Even though I was standing behind you, I still saw it.
You kept asking me if I was okay all day and I think that’s really, really weird because I have literally never been more okay. I promise, Cass, I was really happy. Mama was really happy. Toby was really happy. It was a happy, good day.
Thanks for asking me to be your best man, by the way. I know Nick was pissed.
Dad,
Don’t cry, okay? I know you’re gonna cry when you open your birthday present so you can’t cry again when you read this. You’re too old. Mama says you’ll have a heart attack if we make you too upset.
I want you to know I wanted to give you this last year—it felt more special giving it to you on your fortieth—but Mama said no. She thought it was too soon. For me, not for you; we both know if I asked you to sign my birth certificate the same day you signed October’s, you would've said yes.
But she wanted me to be sure and I am. I’m really, really sure that I want you to be my dad. I’m really, really sure that you already are.
So, happy birthday, Dad.
I love you.
