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I call Gio to find out who’s interested in buying the real estate and end up leaving a message.
I discuss a few items with Ashley and leave. On the way home, I think about the ways I can acknowledge Dominic’s help without getting steamrollered by his ego. What was his motivation for helping me?
I come home and Dad is staring at the chessboard, but there is no Dominic. I’m oddly disappointed, but I shake off the unreasonable feeling.
“Where is Bianca?”
“She had some errands to run. Dom had to leave too, so it’s just you and me, darling.”
He says it as ifDomis a part of the family, but I don’t let the irritation creep in. Not today, when I have a good reason to celebrate. When I called Zelda at the hospice, she almost cried.
“What do you want to do, Dad?” I’m happy to have him to myself, and mad at the same time that I have to think of our time together in terms of numbers. How many more smiles will he give me? How many conversations do we still have? How many memories can we still create?
“I’d like to go out for a walk.” He stands up, slowly, but steadier today.
“Are you sure? We can just—”
“I need fresh air more than anything. Even if we end up only a few feet from your building.” He shuffles toward the front door. I help him put on his coat and bundle him up in a scarf. He puts on his woolen flat cap and we venture outside.
The November chill hits us as soon as we step out. The doorman greets us politely. It annoys me that I now remember his name. I shove the thought away and focus on my dad.
We cross the street and slowly make our way to the park.
“Why are you so upset, darling?” Dad gestures to a nearby bench.
“I’m not upset.” Other than about his illness. And a few other things in my life, but that’s normal.
“I don’t want you worrying about me.”
“Dad, we’re all worried about you, and you can’t control that.” I help him sit then plop down beside him.
“That’s true, perhaps, but it’s different for you. I feel you’ve been hanging on to this anger since Kyle.”
I almost snap my neck as I practically jerk away from him. Why would he go there? We’ve never talked about it. If he thought I was upset before—
“Lo, darling, the reason I’m staying with you at this point in my life is because out of all my children, you’re the one who believes that saying goodbye to someone you love must be done holding their hand till the last minute.”
No, no, no. Tears prickle my eyes and my initial reaction is to bolt, but I can’t leave him here. That’s why he wanted to come outside. Ironically, it was to trap me.
“I can’t speak for Kyle,” he continues. “I don’t know why he decided to deal with his last days the way he did, but I can suspect. If it was me… and let’s not pretend, itisme now… do you think I need you to hold my hand on my deathbed? Do you really believe that is the most important thing to me?”
I swallow a few times, blinking the tears away, but it really just propels them down my cheeks. I want to speak, but the words are suspended in some strange vacuum where my brain can’t access them.
“It would be nice, but it’s not what matters at the end.” His voice is calm and soothing, in contrast to his words. “What matters in my last days or years in this life is the memories we created together. Your first words, your first steps, that god-awful goth look you wore for two years when you were fourteen. The day when I taught you to ride the bike. When I watched you speak at your first gala. Just a series of simple things that make up the mosaic of our life.”
I’m crying now—a full-blown break-down in the middle of a public park. And while I hate the topic of the conversation, a part of me is swelling with gratitude. It’s sad but empowering. Both tragic and uplifting. The courage my father has to even broach the topic.
“What I am trying to say is that you holding my hand when I won’t even be mentally present anymore is not the point, Lo. It’s nice and an appreciated gesture, but in the grand scheme of things, you’ve already given me all I cherish.”
We sit in silence as he holds my hand. His words sit with me like an uninvited guest who turns out to be welcome company. Important company.
My heart constricts when Dad breaks the silence. “I’m sorry you had to cancel your travels on my account.”
“God…” I breathe out, stifling a sob. I lean my head on his shoulder and he reaches around and wraps me in the best dad hug. Oh, how many years have passed since we shared a moment like this? “There is nowhere I’d rather be, Dad.”
“That’s good, because you’re stuck with me. I don’t know for how long, but time doesn’t matter right now. I only hope I’ll still be here when you finally let yourself fall in love.”
Chapter9
