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“Why are you doing it all?” Her voice startles me. My back is to the kitchen as I stare blindly at the flickering lights of the city. I didn’t hear Chils moving, but her scent is close behind me now. Her body is almost touching mine, the heat relaxing me immediately.
“I don’t know why, Chils. Perhaps it is for selfish reasons. When I took the first pro bono case here, I felt alive. I have more money than I truly need, so why not?” I turn around and cup her face. “Also, I kind of like being around you, Chils.”
She studies me with those large eyes that rarely show her true feelings. There is no coolness in them right now. There is hesitation. But the angry fire is missing, replaced by contemplation.
She opens her mouth and closes it again. I can almost see the war brewing inside her. Part of her wants to accept and get excited about the opportunity, but there is a part of her that defaults to her natural mistrust and consistent refusal of attachment. Or it might be something completely different, but the war is better than a refusal.
We both know the attachment has sneaked in without us even realizing. That doesn’t mean Chils is ready to take a leap and accept it.
Perhaps I moved too fast with both opportunities. She got spooked when I bought the building here. I should have waited with the Chicago property. But the opportunity came up, and I didn’t want it to pass.
“I want to buy the building, but I realize this needs to be a mutual decision. In fact, such expansion needs to be discussed with your board of directors. But the opportunity is there, within your reach. This could be us.”
She swallows and relaxes a bit, and then the lines around her eyes curve up just a little. It’s almost invisible, but it’s the first time I’ve seen traces of joy. Perhaps hope in those eyes.
“A power couple?” She bites her lips.
“A power couple.” I lean in and seize her mouth.
I think in our very weird way, through an argument and lots of anger, we’ve just made our relationship official.
Chapter19
London
The man beside me snores and his head falls onto my shoulder. I should have taken Dominic’s private jet, but it felt like an unnecessary luxury. Especially since it’s a short flight back to New York, and he couldn’t even come with me because of some emergency with one of the clinic’s clients.
First-class seats shouldn’t feel this cramped. I jerk my shoulder up and the man’s head bounces. He utters a choking snore and settles on the other side of the seat.
I glimpse something wet on my shoulder. Great, he’s been drooling on me. I find napkins in my purse and try to wipe the saliva from the fabric of my jacket.
The property in Chicago is amazing, but instead of excitement, I’m filled with a weird uneasiness. I agreed to inspect the building because clearly I’m not smart enough to argue with a lawyer.
When Dominic proposed the expansion, I wanted him to shut up and leave me alone. I don’t know what I want anymore because he’s tilted the axis of my carefully designed life, leaving me exposed and vulnerable, and in unknown territory. I don’t want him to return to Chicago, and I want him to return there as soon as possible.
When he looked at me and said this could be us, my initial reaction was pure joy. I think. It’s been a while since I practiced that emotion.
And I didn’t get to explore it further because as soon as I answered, half agreeing to way more than a professional partnership, a familiar dread settled.
If I expand my work to another city, to his city, we’ll be bound. We already are through the property he purchased in New York, but at least that wouldn’t require us to talk much.
Things could run smoothly without him being involved. But even if we don’t interact closely, he’ll forever remain a part of my work.
Another person I’d stand to lose. I can’t bear that. The building is perfect, but I won’t tell him that. I’ll refuse. I can’t get entangled in this.
Dominic isn’t planning to stay in New York, and I need to distance myself from him before it’s too late. Because I don’t want him to stay. I don’t. I ignore how much that resolution has weakened in the last few weeks.
The idea of an altruistic power couple has its merits, but I was doing fine on my own. I have no idea when our relationship changed the trajectory. And that by itself is scary.
Maybe Dominic is right. I play the victim and at the same time victimize those around me with my carefully maintained distance. My unwillingness to commit might hurt people, but really, I’ve never gone far enough in any relationship to make anyone suffer from the consequences of my attitude.
Besides my family, there are only a few people who are a constant in my life. Ashley is one of them. Zelda perhaps. The rest of the volunteers and employees come and go. And I’m fine with that.
Dominic is somehow trying to stay and leave at the same time, and I don’t know what to do with that. I’m lost, and I hate being lost. I need to regain control.
My dad would understand we broke up, and I can quickly start dating someone else if only to show him I’ve moved on after Kyle. Of course, I will have moved on. Just because I choose not to expose myself to more pain doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past.
My stomach constricts as I walk through the airport and find my car. The driver greets me with a smile and closes the door behind me.
