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I yank her to me and wrap my arms around her, burying her in my embrace. In her own weird, complicated way, she’s admitting she cares about me, or could see herself caring enough, so she needs to step back and protect herself.
I hold on to her, and for a damn lawyer I’m lost for words. I can’t promise I won’t die.
At last, I venture down a path that might not bring her much reassurance, but I don’t know how else to show her. “Chils, do you regret knowing Madeleine?”
She freezes, every sinew in her body taut as a drawn bowstring. But she doesn’t move, so I keep holding her, allowing her to hide before she speaks.
A clock ticks away the long minutes. I don’t even own a clock, but the time she takes to react is loud in my mind, regardless. Like the countdown to a jury’s decision, it coils around me with restless energy, but I can’t rush her.
Finally, she shakes her head. Or I think she does. She might be suffocating because I realize I’m holding on to her with a ferocity that matches my need to finally lay the cards on the table, to stop fighting something we didn’t want but can’t escape anymore.
“She loved listening to your voice,” I continue. “There is no difference between you reading to her one hundred times or only once. The joy you brought to her life is priceless. Kyle robbed you of those last moments with him, and you keep giving those moments back to others. Beats of joy. The only person you deny is you. I think you could make people even happier if you allowed yourself the same.”
She wiggles a bit, and I loosen my grip slightly so she can look up. Etched into her features are agony and doubt. An internal battle wages in her eyes. For once, I don’t think she fights against me. She is grappling with her own fear, her own notion of safety.
Before she can lose that fight, I say, “I’m not promising you forever, because we both know we have no idea how that would work. But even if it’s just one day we can spend together, it’s better than nothing. It’s a hundred percent more than nothing. A brief moment of happiness is better than no happiness at all.”
I can’t even believe I’m saying the words. Who even am I? Yet they ring true.
She wraps her arms around my waist and rests her forehead on my chest, exhaling a long, loaded breath.
“Chils, you can protect yourself from heartache and live a contented life. Or you can take the risk and reach for fucking nirvana every single day. I rest my case.” I kiss the crown of her head. It’s not even prickly yet, her hair buzzed too short.
“You make a compelling argument, Cressard—”
I put a finger on her lips. I need to throw in something else before she talks herself out of this. “I challenge you to try. Or are you really that scared?”
She looks up, her eyes widening before she narrows them, glaring at me through hooded lids. “I don’t think relationships are built on challenges.”
“We can make our own rules, baby.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “Chils, there have been many fleeting moments in my life, but this thing between us feels lasting.”
Again, I’m shocked by my admission, but I won’t shy away because I’m scared. First, I don’t get scared. Second, I’ve just challenged her fear, so I can’t admit my own. The words are out there, and I’ll own them.
She cocks her head and studies me. Her scrutiny peels at my defenses but doesn’t weaken me. It probably peels at hers as well. I’m cocky enough to hope I shook the foundation of her protective walls with my arguments.
“Don’t make me regret this, Dominic.” Her threat is laced with mirth, but I know she means it. She’ll take the leap, but needs to share the accountability. At least at this point.
I have no qualifications to take over liability for a relationship, but if that’s what it takes to give her a sense of security, that’s what I’ll do. She’s just given me a key to her heart, and I take it seriously. With responsibility. And the lingering bitterness of panic.
* * *
We spend the morning at the clinic and then the hospice. During a lunch break, we discuss the plan for the Chicago project. We’ve picked up takeout from a small cafe at the corner, and we eat in a small conference room at the legal clinic.
We considered staying home, but we needed to escape the intimacy the past twelve hours have brought. We addressed many things this morning, but we don’t need to resolve everything.
“I’m going to buy the building anyway. Even if your board doesn’t approve of the expansion. That property is an excellent investment.” I take a bite of my sandwich.
“It’d certainly be a better investment than giving it to a charity.” Chils stabs into her salad and takes a small bite.
“Are you trying to dissuade me already?”
My phone buzzes. I glance at the number then flip the device upside down. I’ve been preparing to return to my former life, but this call is a bit too much too soon. I can ignore it for a day or two. Or so I hope.
“Do you need to answer that?” Chils raises her eyebrows.
“No, I can call them back.” The phone vibrates again. “I can invest my money for profit, but I don’t need to, so why not a nonprofit endeavor?”
“I got myself a rich boyfriend. The bachelorettes of New York and Chicago will be jealous.” She pretends to fan herself and I laugh.
