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I didn’t break off the engagement. I should have, but I didn’t. Instead, I play the role of supportive fiancée, pining for my man who seems to give me some crumbs of attention to placate me.
After all this time, I’m at the same place I was with Brian. Blaming myself for everything in our relationship. Eager to please the man who only thinks of himself. It’s even worse than that, because before I was oblivious to the pattern, but now I see it clearly.
And yet here I am, landing in Italy. A bride to be. I keep reminding myself it’s for my family, but my heart isn’t big enough to cope. And my self-esteem is too bruised to absorb the lies I’ve been feeding myself.
We rush from the plane to the waiting car. The gray sky mirrors the state of our relationship. Or at least my perception of it. The rain is pouring down in heavy curtains as Gio holds an umbrella above my head.
I wish he would let me get wet. The gentleman-like behavior is in some ways worse than a cold shoulder, or even outright aggression. The latter we seem to release with occasional fucking. Not that it helps our situation.
Something shifted at Bianca’s house when Gio blindsided me with the wedding date. It’s like he doesn’t hate me as much, is making an effort to include me in his life, and not only through Lydia and the concierge.
We have a cordial relationship, much better than before, but nowhere close to where it should be. Where it could have been if… Argh, I’m tired of this constant analysis.
He might not hate me anymore, but he keeps his distance. Aloof and cold.
The car speeds along the highway, gray clouds stretching across the sky. Despite the dreary weather and my weary mood, I marvel at the majestic mountains in the distance. Their peaks are shrouded in fog and mist. The sight is breathtaking.
Maybe this beauty could do the trick. Could relax Gio from his work and rekindle what we lost.
But when I look at him, he’s working. He’s seen the scenery before, but for fuck’s sake. This is not even about me anymore. How can he go through life missing out on all of this?
“Will you work the whole time?” I fail to hide my annoyance.
“This is not a vacation, Mila. More like workcation. I have a lot of work.” He doesn’t even look at me.
I’m about to snap when his phone rings, and of course he answers. With a sigh, I turn to the window.
Fucking rain. Fucking Gio. Fucking engagement.
Goddammit. I don’t want to be this bitter person. I close my eyes and start counting my breaths. One, two, three…
I jerk awake at the sound of the gate. The car rolls slowly into a well-maintained yard. Somewhere on the road it stopped raining and the shy sun peeks now through the clouds.
Rows of cypress trees dot the well-manicured lawn. When Gio said his house was on Lake Como, I didn’t expect it to be directly on the lake. We park at the side of the house, and the beauty around me caresses my soul.
I spy a pool and immediately think of St. Martin, and our first time making love. The lump lodged in my throat grows bigger.
It might be the breathtaking surroundings, but my soul sparks a little. What if I attack life with abandon? Stop hiding behind my mistake and my humiliation at needing his financial help. What if I show him normal again?
I won’t let him hide either. I’ll drag him out of his cave and force him to enjoy life. And if down the road he remembers he can trust me and enjoy my company, this journey might just be well worth it.
* * *
My plan has been derailed several times, but I’m persistent. Gio took me to town and had dinner with me. But that’s the most attention I’ve coerced from him in the two weeks we’ve been here.
Gio has been buried in work and I have been buried in self-pity, planning our wedding and swimming.
I have calls with Hilda and my team daily, but the firm runs well while I supervise from afar, so I’m bored.
Too much time on my hands to contemplate how to plan a wedding I don’t want with the man I want so much. Or a version of him that is probably by now a figment of my imagination.
In a week, the family arrives. I should just break off the engagement now. Before we embarrass ourselves. At least Massi and Gina are coming first.
I could talk to Gina about the situation. Tell her the truth and ask for her help. For the first time, I’ll ask for the help she’s been offering all along.
Every time we take a step forward, he pulls back, burying himself in work. I can’t stand it anymore. He’s stubborn and full of pride, so I guess it needs to be me that sets us both free. I wish I could keep the job, but this golden cage is not worth it.
My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces every day.
