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I snort. “And yet it’s not enough.”
“You took the responsibility for a whole family, and you juggle so many things. Let me help you.” Her eyes plead.
This is not the first time she’s offered. “Gina, I’m not taking a loan from you. I can manage.”
Massi comes in with two plates. “Ladies, enjoy. I have to go back to the kitchen, but I’m happy to whip up something else for you.”
“Thank you, this smells like heaven.” I inhale the steam rising from my bowl, thyme and garlic tickling my nose.
“You know only the best for you, always.” The two of them have been pampering me ever since Massi’s business rival tried to sever my fingers.
“And the offer to help is on the table,” Gina says. “I don’t mind. You left your life behind to help your sister. No one would think less of you for accepting some help yourself.”
I swirl the spoon in the rich cream and taste some. “In some twisted fate, I’m glad Annie’s situation forced me to leave Cali, though.”
Gina narrows her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Brian would have understood why you needed to be closer to your family. You were planning a future together—”
“Gina, it doesn’t matter anymore.” She’s my best friend, and she went through so much in her previous manipulative relationship. She of all people would understand, but still I can’t bring myself to share. To admit my failure. My shame.
“I’m here,” I continue, “and I’m stuck with all the problems—health and financial—of my family, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
Everyone adored Brian. I used to love him. Until I realized that in his shadow I was loving myself less and less every day. And yet I couldn’t leave. If it wasn’t for one desperate call from Annie, I might have never found a reason to leave him. A reason to stand up for myself.
Gina gives me a serious look.
“The woman I used to know who brought sunshine to my life when it was at its darkest is gone. I look at your smile nowadays and most people don’t see it, but you’ve lost your spark.”
“Why thank you, you make a girl feel great.” Yes, sarcasm is the newest tool in my arsenal.
She’s right, and if I wasn’t so fucking exhausted working fifteen plus hours a day, and still only barely paying for Annie’s medication, I would find the way to bring that smile back.
“Who else should tell you the truth if not your best friend?” She slathers a generous dollop of butter on a warm bun.
“Well, if this job pans out, I’ll get my spark back. I promise. How are you feeling?”
“I’ve never been better. Is it weird I feel guilty about it?” She chuckles and shakes her head, but the truth gleams in her eyes.
I could tell her she’s being silly, but I know it wouldn’t eliminate the useless feeling. The moment between us stretches in a vulnerable companionship.
“You deserve the happiness, Gina.”
She smiles and rubs her belly again. “You’re a good friend, Mils. And you deserve the happiness too.”
“Jesus, this meeting got heavy.” I laugh. “I’m happy, just a bit unsure about the future right now, but that will pass.”
Will it?Isn’t this exactly what Brian predicted?You’re nothing without me.
“I know you said you were too dependent on Brian. I’m pretty sure I don’t know the complete story there, and I respect your need for independence. But being independent doesn’t mean you can’t accept help.”
We stare at each other for a few beats, and a part of me wants to ask her for help. For a check that she wouldn’t miss, and that I could use to cover Annie’s medication and rent. To breathe, and grow my freelance business into something more sustainable that won’t kill me with the endless hours of work, and would also provide for the family.
But I can’t. I can’t prove to Brian—not that he cares—I really am nothing without him.
Gina gives me a sad, but understanding, smile. “Eat.” She beckons to my soup.
She says it with love and care, and a hint of concern. Nothing like the growl only a week ago at the gala, but the memory flashes over me anyway.
The intense glare. The dark brown abyss. The solid muscles. The tick in his jaw. The way my body is drawn to him. The warmth spreading through my limbs against my will. The humiliation.
