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I’m too exhausted to show any physical signs of surprise. The skipping of my heart rate is more than enough. I didn’t notice how shaky I was until I start to lower Noah’s hand to the mattress, refusing to release it.
I gave Ava and Oakley time with him alone before coming in. But as selfish as it is, I won’t give them any more. He’s my person, and I will be by his side the way I know he would be by mine.
“I don’t need pity. There’s no way you and Ava don’t blame me for this,” I tell him, my words weak.
“We don’t blame you for anything. None of this was your fault. You didn’t force anyone to hurt Noah, and you didn’t hurt him yourself.”
I tear my eyes from Noah and look at his father. He looks like shit. A sick part of me revels in that. There’s a chance he could have lost his son last night. Is he thinking about that?
“He was targeted because of his relationship with me.”
“Maybe. But that still isn’t your fault.”
I heave a sigh. “Why are you even here, Oakley? I know it isn’t to try and absolve my guilt.”
“My son was stabbed. I wouldn’t be anywhere but here.”
His eyes fill with pain. Pain and regret and guilt. So much guilt it’s hard to stare at him without feeling the weight of it. He’s struggling, and now isn’t the time to ream into him for what’s happening with him and Noah.
“That’s good.”
“You don’t believe me,” he notes. There’s a resigned accusation in his tone but no aggression.
“Do you blame me?”
“No.” With a couple of unsteady steps, he stands beside me, peering down at Noah. His throat bobs. “I failed him. He deserved a better father. One who tried to understand him the way I never did. That’s something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.”
I lift Noah’s hand to my lips again and blow on his cold fingers in hopes of warming them. My words caress his skin. “I won’t say he made it easy on you. But why did it have to be easy? You should have loved him regardless. That’s what family does. We love each other for the good and the bad. The hard and the easy.”
“Is that what you think? That I don’t love him?”
“I don’t know what I think. All I have is what I know, and I don’t know that you’ve ever shown your love for him in the ways he needed to see it. At least not for a long time now.”
He flinches, and I feel the weight of it. “Is that how he feels too?”
I trace my eyes over Noah’s face. The swell of his swollen top lip and bruised under eyes turn the tide inside of me, making it harder to breathe. So much pain lives inside of him, and now he looks every part as broken on the outside. My next exhale is shuddered.
“You have to fix it. Fixeverything. I don’t want to see him like this anymore. He will never tell you that he craves your love and attention, but he does. There’s a break inside of him that you caused. I don’t care what you have to do to heal it, but if you don’t . . .” I pause, considering if I’m really about to threaten a man whom I’ve always seen as family. The longer I stare at Noah, the clearer my answer becomes. “You won’t see him again once we leave this place. I’ll make sure of it.”
Keeping my attention fixed on Noah’s peaceful expression, I don’t see Oakley move until he’s directly in my line of sight. He’s on the other side of the bed, bending over the rail and sweeping his fingers through the hair hanging in Noah’s face. After pushing it out of his eyes, Oakley pulls out a familiar black bandana from the pocket of his hoodie and uses it to hold his son’s hair back. His movements are steady and knowing, as if he’s done this so often it’s muscle memory. The sight of that specific bandana makes my head swim. I haven’t seen it since Noah left home. He used to wear it every day, but he thought he’d lost it.
“He loves that bandana,” I croak.
A sad smile pulls at his mouth. “I know.”
“You’ve had it this whole time.”
“I have.”
“He’ll be happy to have it back.”
He nods and runs his palm over Noah’s head a final time before stepping back. “Will you let us know when he wakes up? I took Ava and Adalyn back to the hotel so they could shower and try to sleep, but I’ll need to get them the minute he’s awake.”
“Yeah. Of course. You’re staying here, then?”
He runs his palms down his thighs. “I am.”
There’s a minute of awkward silence before he speaks again. “I do love him. More than I could ever explain to either of you. Things have just gotten so bad, and . . . I never closed the gap between us. I let him slip further and further away from me because I didn’t know how to fix what we broke. But I’ll try.”
