AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Fuck. I haven’t felt this out of control in a long time,” I admit, hating that’s true.
It’s been creeping up on me lately, this feeling of being out of control, anxious. Over the years, with Tiny’s help, I’ve learnt how to manage my reactions to my emotions, how to ride the wave. Lately that wave has turned into a storm, and I feel like a small boat being churned on a violent ocean of emotion, helpless against its power.
“You’re not the only one,” she replies, reaching up to cup my face. I stiffen at her touch, not because I don’t want it, because I do. So fucking much. “Dax hasn’t been feeling great lately either,” she continues. “It’s partly the reason we battled last night, to take his mind off it, and to show him he’s still capable.”
“What’s happening with him?” I ask, hearing the panic in my voice and hating it. This isn’t me. Well, it is, but it isn’t the side of me that I feel uncomfortable showing despite how safe I feel with Tiny. She’s never once judged me, and has only ever embraced every part of me, even the flaws.
“Phantom pain. He’s going to call the doctor today, get an appointment.”
“Should I be worrying?” Even as I say the words, that ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach gathers momentum. I know it’s a sign of my love and concern for Dax, as well as my inability to rationalise my emotions, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with.
Tiny reads my expression, understanding immediately what’s happening within me. “Xeno, let it out. Don’t bottle this up. We can work through anything. You know this.”
“I hate feeling like this,” I say, gritting my jaw, my teeth grinding against each other as I wrap the silk tighter around my fists, cutting off the circulation in my hands, wanting to hurt myself. It’s an old habit, one I’ve fought to rid myself of, and for the most part I’ve succeeded.
Not today.
“I know,” Tiny acknowledges, gently unfurling the silk from my fingers. I let her, trusting her in this moment because I can’t trust myself. “Let me take that. I’ve got an idea.”
“This is bullshit,” I blurt out.
“You’re overwhelmed. You don’t have to be ashamed of that, Xeno. York has been sick. We’ve all been working so hard at the club, on the other businesses. We’ve not had a break in five years, and the little time we do have together is so precious that all we want to do is fuck.”
“You don’t want to fuck?” I ask as she steps behind me.
She laughs softly, her reflection in the mirror making my heart squeeze tightly. “Of course I do. I don’t think that will ever change.Not ever,” she reassures me. “But there’s been something vital missing. Something weallneed.”
“What’s that?”
“What have we been missing?” she fires back softly.
I meet her gaze, and it finally dawns on me what she’s getting at. “Dance,” I say.
“Exactly. When was the last time we danced together as a group, the five of us?”
“I can’t remember…” My voice trails off as I understand the significance of that. “Fuck, Tiny.”
“Is it any wonder you’re finding it hard to deal with your emotions? That York has been so ill with this flu and hasn’t bounced back as quickly as he should’ve? That Dax is struggling with phantom pain. Zayn hasn’t been sleeping all that well either lately, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how tired he’s been? Our proverbial well is empty. We’ve been so busy living this hectic,wonderful, draining life that we’ve forgotten what’s fundamental to the five of us. Ourneedto dance witheach other. It’s always been our outlet, and not dancing together is taking its toll on all of us.”
“How have I not noticed what’s been missing?” I ask, mainly to myself.
“What we’veallmissed,” Tiny replies, gently squeezing my arm as she runs the length of silk through her fingers. “I don’t regret this life, or the past five years since we opened Twisted Bullet. There’s nothing about it that I wouldn’t do over again. I’m so proud of us all, of what we’ve built, the family we’ve become, the home we’ve made together. It’s just I wish we had carved out more time for our first love, the love we all had before we loved each other.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. We’ll make time,” I reassure her.
She nods, rising up onto her tiptoes to plant a kiss on my cheek. “Starting right now,” she says.
“Now?” I mutter, my eyebrows meeting in a frown.
“Now,” she repeats, before sliding the silk tie over my eyes and knotting it at the back of my head. Before I’m able to ask her what she’s doing she says, “PlayWork Songby Hozier.”
FOUR
Work Song
XENO
“This song,”I say, feeling the beat pounding in rhythm to my heart, reminding me of that night when I’d stepped into the studio at Stardom Academy whilst Tiny was dancing blindfolded.
