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As I pull out of the parking spot, Eli says, “Fathers, aye, my new friend? What are we to say about them? Katy, you loved yours, yes?”
“I did,” Katy says. Her tone tells me she’s used to Eli’s blunt ways. Something is refreshing about how disarming he is. “He was a good man. He used to read me stories. He tried his best with Mom.”
“I never loved my father,” Eli says. “Shameful thing to say, but it’s the truth. I didn’t hate him either. We didn’t have use for either. He provided for us, and that was enough, and I thought it was enough for my lad. Or maybe the words stopped me from turning into a demon. The books. Oh.”
He sits back, his hand over his eyes.
“Eli, are you all right?” Katy asks, her voice kind.
I stop at a red light, Eli crying softly beside me. He snorts and rubs his face. “Fine, fine. Did you love your father, Samuel?”
I clench the steering wheel. Jackal stares at Eli with that cold violence entering his eyes for a moment. Just a flash, and he’d never cross that line without an order, but it’s there because he knows how much that question hurts.
“No,” I say. This isn’t how I wanted to tell Katy, but I feel comfortable saying it for some reason. “In fact, I killed my father.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I wish I could snatch them back. What is the matter with me?
Katy gasps from the back seat.
CHAPTER 20
Katy
How can he still be driving?
I’m in awe as he keeps the car steady, turning the corner and driving down the longest road in the city, the bridge glinting in the sun across the hazy distance. Sam keeps his eyes on the road, even as his forearms bulge and the veins on his neck stand up.
“Shall I break this silence, then?” Eli says. “You killed your father, Samuel?”
Sam’s voice is cold, but Jackal seems more alert now, sitting forward. He’s staring at the back of his owner’s seat like he wants to jump into the front and hug him. I move my hand through his fur.
“May I ask why?”
“Eli,” I whisper.
Sam glances at me in the rearview. “It’s fine. It was a long, long time ago.”
“So, what transpired?” Eli says.
Sam sighs darkly. “I was raised in a brothel. My dad was the pimp. He was a bad, bad man. He did things to make his employees do what he wanted. I heard it all: the headboards, the moans of the clients. I hated every one of them, but I knew my dad was to blame. The funny thing is, I didn’t know he was my dad. Nobody ever told me. I only found out years later.”
His tone doesn’t change. Eli’s doesn’t either. “So, how old were you?”
“Eleven,” Sam says. “Already taller than the prick. He came in drunk one night and started bragging about the things he did with my mom. I caved his head in and… and I just kept going. I remembered all the things he’d done. The women he’d hurt. My mom and some other women helped me hide his body. Officially, he’s missing even to this day. It’s not like anybody looked very hard.”
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” I whisper, struggling to fight off tears, the emotion rising.
He comes to a stop at a red light. All around us, cars honk. People yell at each other. Skyscrapers rise tall on both sides, countless windows flashing, but it’s like we’re alone in this car, this strange quartet: me, Eli, Jackal, and my Sam.
Sam looks at me, his eyes showing deep depths of feeling, but he keeps it at bay. He’s so much stronger than me. My vision is getting blurry, and tears are threatening.
“Something like that.” Eli whistles through his teeth. “Discombobulates the system. Love becomes hate. Hate becomes love. How does a man be regular after a thing like that?”
Sam laughs gruffly. “You’re asking the wrong person. I’ve never been regular.”
“How does one become exceptional, then? Become a SEAL?”
“Whenever I thought about ringing the bell in BUDs, it was easy. I just thought of being that little kid again: listening to my mom, those men, and him. Nothing seemed so scary after that.”
He turned his pain into strength. He’s going to make an incredible father. The best. “What about your mom?” I ask.
“She passed five years ago.” He looks at me in the rearview, his eyes seeming softer. “She was happy once we left that place and healed. She had health issues due to what he did, but she was happy for our years together.”
“So until you were eleven, you thought that man was just some wicked villain?”
“Yes,” Sam says coldly.
“Poor, poor man. If I had a heart, it would bleed for you.”
Sam laughs savagely. “If I had a heart, it would bleed, too.”
