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Did she know?
Did she know?
The thought kept repeating in my head, like a broken record.
If she didn’t know… fuck. How was I going to get through this tonight?
But how wouldn’t she have known? She gave birth to me… to Chris.
“No, nothing is okay,” I said as we went inside, my mom closing and locking the door behind us. My dad must have been cooking pancakes; I could smell the sweet, doughy scent drifting from the arch that led to the kitchen. He loved eating breakfast before bed, said it was a good-luck thing.
“Ricky, baby, Robby’s home.”
“Robster!” My dad cheerily popped out of the kitchen, wearing a batter-stained black shirt and pajama pants. “You made it just in time for some pancakes. I made enough for you and your friend.” He said “friend” in an extremely suggestive manner.
“I’m not hungry,” I said, moving to the years-old brown couch and falling onto the spot that was indented permanently with my shape. I started to cry again. My mom flew to my side, my dad asking what was wrong. Damien stayed by the door.
“Did he hurt you?” my dad asked, his tone turning aggressive as he looked to Damien.
“No, no.” He saved me. But I couldn’t get the words out. All I could say was “I had a twin. I had a twin brother.”
Both my parents made confused sounds before looking at each other. I watched as something clicked between them. Something profound. My mother put a hand up to her mouth, and my dad’s normally tanned skin appeared to turn a sickly yellow.
I shot up from the couch, a bitter sadness mixing with an acidic betrayal. “Did you know?”
My dad reached for my hand, holding my wrist. “We—of course not, Robby. What’s going on? What are you talking about?”
But that look they shared. They knew something. “How is it possible? I found out today I had a twin brother. He was taken—he was taken and killed. He’s gone. I just learned about him, and he’s gone. How could that happen?”
“A twin… No, Robby, no,” my mother shook her head. She leaned back in the couch, as if she was seconds from breaking. “That’s impossible… is it, Ricky? Oh, no. No, no, no.”
“Robby…” It was Damien. He stood just behind me. A gentle hand fell between my shoulder blades. Warmth radiated out from his palm. It still wasn’t enough to comfort me, to melt away the ice that was quickly forming around my heart.
My mom tugged on her silver necklace, her eyes brimming with tears. “Oh no, my little Robby. I didn’t want you finding out this way.”
“So you did know?”
I could hardly believe this. Today couldn’t be real. There was no way. How the hell could I process this? My parents had been lying to me for my entire life? And I found out like this? After I sacrificed so much to help them. I worked two jobs, sometimes three. I let friends fall by the wayside. I let my grades suffer. I knew my dad had to stay home to take care of my mother after her accident; I could see us losing everything we had because of it. So as a teenager, I’d stepped up to the plate. I grew up faster than I should have, worrying about bills and electricity and gas when I should have been worried about prom and losing my virginity to some trashed football player.
I felt robbed. Of a childhood, of the truth. Of my twin.
“Robby, sit down.” My dad looked like he was ready to start pleading with me. My mother stared directly ahead, as if her processor had fried and all she could do was blink.
“I don’t think I can right now.”
My father took the lead as my mother rubbed at her face. I’d never seen her like this. She always had something to say, some wise words or gentle compliments. “First off,” he said, leg bouncing like a spring, “you know that you are our entire heart and our entire world. We live our lives for you, Robby, ever since the day you entered into ours. That’s what we need to explain. Because you came into our lives not through birth but through circumstances that changed everyone’s lives forever. Your mother had a sister, Robby. She was a bright young girl with the kindest eyes. She also had very big internal demons she battled, and we had lost touch with her for years.
“We didn’t know she got pregnant. We didn’t know she was three weeks away from giving birth. We didn’t know she was putting herself in danger. We only got the call the night she was found. The night you were found with her. She didn’t survive whatever attacked her, but you did. Neither of us hesitated. We drove straight to the hospital, and from that night, you were ours. We should have told you earlier. I’m so sorry, Robby. But you were the only one that was found—we had no idea…”
