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“Yeah, but my fuckups are because there’s something wrong with me. I slept with your best friend behind your back because I knew I was losing you. Normal people don’t do that. I’m so scared of being alone, of not being wanted. I screwed Rex even though I was in love with you… I’m still in love with you.”
Jesus, what the hell did I say to that? I tugged at the bottom of my shirt just to keep my hands busy, a prickling feeling spreading over my scalp.
“I would leave with you, Riven, if you wanted. Me, you, and the girls. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I know it’s hard to forgive me, but I’ll do right by you this time. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. I can make you love me, I swear, even if you don’t right now. I—”
“Stop.” I tried to keep my voice steady and gentle. “I can’t do this with you, Becca. I don’t—”
“Please. Let me prove myself to you. I can be what you need me to be. You won’t even have to do anything with the girls. I’ll take care of them. Give me a chance.”
Jesus, this was breaking my heart. “You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you and who loves your girls.”
“Look around you!” Her voice rose. “There’s nothing better around here. This is it for us, and we gotta make do with what we have. Who the hell is gonna love me like that?” She started to cry harder then, her shoulders shaking up and down. It was awkward, but I pulled Becca into my hold, tried to tell her it was going to be okay, hated myself for not being able to fix this, for not getting her out of here. “No one will ever love me.”
“That’s not true.” But then, didn’t I feel that way as well? Only I didn’t want someone to love me, not the way Becca did.
“But you can’t…”
No, I couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”
“I am too.” I held her for a moment until she stopped crying. Without either of us speaking a word, we went back to the house, then her car. “I really do love you, Riven.”
I nodded. I believed her. “I want what’s best for you. If I can help you get out of this town, I will, but I can’t be who you need me to be.”
Without another word, Becca got in the car and drove away. Not for the first time, I had hurt her. You’d figure I’d be used to the feeling by now.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Parrish
“I brought you something.” I sat beside Riven on the steps of the house we were working on. It was our lunchbreak. Wayne and Smitty were around back where we’d been working, having their meal under a tree there.
“Why?” he asked, making me roll my eyes.
“Because that’s a thing human beings do sometimes. Jesus, Riv. There doesn’t have to be a reason.”
I reached into my lunch bag and pulled out the brownie. “I remember how much you used to love them. They’re your favorite dessert, right? I made them yesterday with the girls.”
Riven took it from me, staring at the treat like it was a Rubik’s Cube he had no idea how to solve, which made a laugh spill out of me.
“This is food, Riv. You open your mouth, take a bite, and chew.”
“Ha-ha, fucker.” He nudged me playfully in this way he wouldn’t have done a few weeks ago. I watched as he unwrapped it and took a bite. “You remember that? Me liking brownies?”
“I think you underestimate the crush I had on you. It’s embarrassing, but you were a hero to me.”
“Your idea of a hero is questionable.”
“I can admit that in some ways.”
He took another bite, gooey chocolate on one of his fingers. I grabbed his wrist, tugged it closer, and sucked his digit into my mouth.
“Jesus,” he hissed out, before his expression clouded over. “Becca came to see me yesterday.”
His words made my heart stumble, like a dying car battery trying to start. My first thoughts were, Did you change your mind? Do you want her back? Which I immediately hated myself for. This wasn’t about me. Becca would be better off with someone like Riven than she was with Rex. “What happened?”
“She told me she still loves me. It was different hearing it from her than it was from you. Made me feel like a piece of shit to turn her down. I don’t know how to be what she would need me to be.”
“That’s not your fault. At least you’re not making her empty promises like Rex did. You’ve been honest with her, but I can’t pretend that doesn’t hammer home how much of a dickhead I am. I don’t want to hurt Becca, but I don’t want to stop doing this with you either.” And I wouldn’t stop. Not as long as Riven wanted to keep this up.
