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“Paigelynn?”
I cannot speak, the rolling film of horrors from yesterday, from before, stretching back half my life, all of it making me feel helpless, hopeless, worthless.
Just… less.
“Hey – hey,” he says, voice soft and kind. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it all up.”
My mouth opens but nothing comes out.
“You don’t deserve any of the horrible things that have happened. None of this was ever your fault. People who have more power than sense have decided they can get away with anything they want to do, no matter how immoral.”
“Why?” I can finally speak.
“Why you?”
“No – why do they do this?”
“Because they can.”
I swallow, hating the bile that rises in my throat. Winnie senses my distress and stands in her dog bed, looking at me as her collar jangles on her walk to me, her little face at my feet. I bend down in my chair and pick her up, instantly calmer.
Only a little but I will take what I can find.
“Who is really letting us stay here, Cam?”
His eyes flutter, looking up, then back to me.
“I can’t name names. Just someone who wants you safe.”
I have more questions, but my body starts to shut down, nerve pain shooting along my limbs, as if it’s all too much for my circuits, as if I’ll short out and die if I keep thinking about it all.
“Can – can we distract ourselves?”
Something flares in his eyes at my question.
“Like, how?”
“I have never been allowed to watch a fiction movie. Only documentaries. You – you said I am free now. No more rules?”
“Yes.”
“Can – can we watch a fiction movie? Like the ones I watched when I was – before?”
Something in his face breaks.
There is no other word to describe it. His shoulders drop, and he reaches for my hand.
“You haven’t been allowed to watch anything other than the training the masters required of you?”
“Of course. My mind needs to be pure.” I snatch it back, stung and embarrassed. “I am sorry.”
“For what?”
“For asking for something that is unnecessary.” Panic fills me. Each day I’m here, I’m closer to my twenty-fifth birthday, and if I don’t match with my husband, the prophecy will not unfold.
The Mother warned me that if I transgressed, the world would fall into ruin. Destruction would reign. War, pestilence, climate disasters, pandemics – all would be my fault.
Asking for a fiction movie is disgusting.
