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Its inappropriate behavior at its finest, even if I haven’t touched her.
I want to.
And that in itself is wrong.
She has to know what she’s doing to me. Wanting this woman has completely disrupted my entire routine.
Knock, knock.
“Come in.”
“Hey, Chief. I’m heading out for the night.” Tom clips out his words and his face is pulled tight.
“Wait. Come here for a minute.” I stand and meet him halfway in the room. “You doing okay? Talk to me.”
He shakes his head as if to brush me off. “All good.”
I wait in silence. I’ve known Tom for a long time and he carries some demons. He joined the Marine Corps right out of high school and has stayed a reservist after giving them eight years. But one of his early tours changed the direction of his mindset and he’s had a difficult time coming back from it. His family has been afraid to push for too much information, and his big brother gives him shit every time he leaves on deployment. They’ve come to me time and time again, asking me to talk to him.
We do have similar paths.
Losing someone, especially on your own watch, leaves a lasting scar.
His family doesn’t understand this, though. I’m glad they don’t. No one should have to carry around what we do. So, I remain a solid force with an open door for Tom to come to when he’s ready.
But throwing Cash into the mix has certainly jumbled things for him. I expected there to be some bumps, but I’m hoping it will all come together.
“Tom?”
He sighs, rolling his eyes. “New guy is annoying as fuck, alright?” I chuckle at his reference to Cash, but he keeps going. “The guy is always in my face. He’s always at the coffee shop. He’s always with my family. Like, what the fuck? Are they trying to replace me?”
“They’re not replac-”
“And if I hear Farrah’s name come from his mouth one more time, Chief, I can’t be held responsible for what I may do.”
Bingo. The real reason he hates Cash. The girl. It’s always about a girl, right?
Placing my hand on his shoulder, I shake him a little. “You don’t have to worry about him replacing you in your family or here, and especially not with Farrah. I’ve watched you two dance around each other for years. She loves you and you love her. Get your shit together and go get her.”
He gives me a somber look. “You think I haven’t been trying?”
I return his same look. “No, I don’t think you’ve been trying. I think you’ve been taking and expecting, but not giving anything back.”
His face is void of emotion. The only way I know I hit a mark is that his left eye gives a twitch.
“And you know all about relationships, right? I’ve never seen you with a woman the whole time I’ve known you.”
I shrug. He’s right, though. I haven’t dated anyone because I can’t. I don’t deserve it. Just like Tom feels he doesn’t deserve it.
“You’re right. But the difference between you and me is that you have someone waiting for you, waiting to accept all the flaws. And you’re choosing to push it away.”
“Whatever. I didn’t come here for a lecture, just letting you know I’m clocking out. See you tomorrow.” He leaves my office, making quick work, winding around the desks and heading for the front door.
“Tom, you’ve got to let someone in! You’ve got to talk about what you’ve gone through. You know I get it. You know I’m here!” I call after him, but he doesn’t respond. I didn’t do nearly the time Tom did in the service, but I’ve seen my share of tragedies in the police force.
Plus, I revisit my own nightmare daily.
Returning to my desk, I try to concentrate on the report in front of me, but it’s futile. I’m hungry, tired, and horny.
