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I still when I hit the living room. It doesn’t even look like the holidays are here. I really need to get the tree up and the decorations set.
I turn around and a picture catches my eye. I walk the five steps to it and each one seems like there’s concrete on my feet. Me, Nyck, and Parker. The man I love —loved, no love never dies— died three years ago, unexpectedly.
“I can’t believe another year has gone by.”
Harmony’s arms wrap around me from behind. She’s a great hugger. “He’s still here. I feel him.”
“Some days I can’t,” I whisper.
“Sis, he doesn’t want you to be sad anymore. Parker would never want that.”
My throat starts to clench. She’s right, but every Christmas it’s the same feelings. Maybe if he hadn’t died three days before the holiday, I wouldn’t remember so hard.
No, it wouldn’t matter, loss is loss, grief is grief.
“I try not to be sad,” I say softly so Nyck doesn’t hear.
“I know.
Nyck jumps into view, holding up a small clock. “You need to go, Mom! There are people who need you.”
He’s turned into the man of the house with Parker gone.
“But if you need me more, I’ll stay. Just say the word.”
Harmony and Nyck yell, “Go!”
“Fine! I’ll go!” I say with a huff and grab my bag.
I hear them talking as they head into the kitchen, probably to make that popcorn.
“Have you made out your list for Santa yet?” Harmony asks him.
“Not yet, but I know what I want.”
I still. I need to know this. Dr. Stevens will cover for me for a while.
Nyck slides a stool out.
“What’s that?” Harmony asks, opening the cabinet.
“I want mom to be happy again.”
My heart crashes to the bottom of my stomach and now I think I’m going to be sick.
Can I be happy again?
My life imploded and I haven’t found my way out of the rubble of my heart yet. It’s hard to be happy when I’m constantly reminded of the beautiful life we had together and I’m scared I won’t have that again.
“She’s happy, Nyck,” Harmony tries to cover for me, but even I question her tone.
“No, Aunt Harmony. Sheusedto be happy.”
My heart cracks a little more. Even my son sees through my smile.
Harmony doesn’t respond and I wouldn’t want her to. We agree that we don’t lie to Nyck. “Let’s watch a movie in the den.”
“Something scary!” Nyck says, his feet slapping the kitchen tile as he heads into the den.
