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“Gorgeous; the center of my universe. Before she died, my whole life felt mapped out in detail, revolving around her. First, I’d graduate with honors with a B.S. in political science. Then, I’d get into a good law school and graduate at the top of my class. I hoped to become a partner in a law firm by age 35 – three kids; a big house; a place at the beach; maybe even local office and Congress one day. We planned to move to D.C. together after my graduation.”
Helen walked to the window and looked outside. “We live in a fallen world where terrible things happen, but God made us for the next world to live with Him in eternal joy.”
“If it’s all God’s sadistic test, I have no use for it. I say: Let Him pass my test.”
“The Bible warns us not to put God to the test. Remember…”
He cut her off. “Hey, it’s all a myth anyway. No more preaching, please. Let’s talk about something lighter.”
“Fair enough. How’d you find yourself in D.C.?”
He stood to pour himself another drink. “I quit my classes and moved up here after Pat, one of my fraternity brothers, offered me a free place to live while he followed a band on tour. When Pat came back, he said things were too crowded. I moved in with a former childhood classmate, who threw me out today after I almost choked him to death for hitting his girlfriend.”
“I’m sorry.” She kissed his face. “You did the right thing by protecting his girlfriend. Like the military veteran in the Metro station said: You’re a hero.”
“You just met me. You don’t know how twisted I am inside.”
“I’ll never reject you for not being perfect. Jonathan comes across as seemingly perfect. I’d prefer honest to perfect any day.”
He decided to reveal everything. “I’m an alcoholic. I’m the pervert who got cheap thrills from stealing glances at your butt when I first saw you on the metro. I’m a lazy, unemployed moocher.”
“We’re all a little crazy, Ed. That’s normal. And, show me a healthy, heterosexual adult male who doesn’t check women out from time to time. Listen to me: I’m going to help you. Things will change for the better. You have to trust me.”
“I can’t change. Something’s wrong with my mind. I nurse fantasies about ending the world. I’m a vile, depraved beast.”
Again, Ed feared he’d told her too much, but, unlike Kenny, Helen had listened and allowed him to vent without spitting it back in his face.
She lit a cigarette. “I’ll help you change.”
“I have a burning hole inside me that I’m trying to fill up by seeking extremes. I think leaping after you was extreme.”
“You were brave and compassionate. Just be silent for a little while.” Helen’s cigarette ash grew long before she flicked it. “Now that you’ve got me, you’re going to stop binge drinking and find other ways to cope with life. Would you do that for me?”
“I’ll try.” He doubted he could ever give up alcohol for more than a week.
“If you could ask God for anything in the world, what would it be?”
“First, I’d save you from your husband.” He kissed her neck, smelling the fragrant shampoo in her hair. He imagined her naked, bound and gagged before he blamed himself for entertaining such a twisted image.
Helen shook her head. “Don’t you want the grace and self discipline to pull your life out of chaos?”
He looked at the darkening sky beyond the window. “Yes, but heaven refuses to return me to normal.”
“That’s enough groaning. You have to do some work. God won’t force you to make better choices. Now, why don’t you get cleaned up in the bathroom?”
Ed looked at his dirty shoes and wished he hadn’t tracked mud into her hotel room. He went to the shower to wash the grime from the subway track off his body. In the shower, he tried to make sense of the morning's events and watched the soap bubbles swirl down the drain. Recent events seemed too good to be true. He wondered if he should aim no higher than a one-night stand and the $500 she’d dropped in his tip jar. He considered himself a fool to think that this gorgeous, wealthy woman was offering unconditional love. What was her angle?
He turned off the shower and covered himself in a bathrobe before reentering the bedroom where Helen’s body writhed beneath the sheet. She seemed his for the taking, so he approached the bed and dropped his towel.
“You clean up well. I want you to do me a favor.”
His face felt numb from the whiskey. He shrugged, expecting her request to be sexual in nature. “Sure. Anything.”
“Call your parents.”
His smile faded, and he sat on the bed. “I can’t.”
“What did they do? When did they hurt you?”
