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The pounding in my head won’t go away if people won’t stop knocking on my door to make sure I’m okay. They act like I’ve never been hungover before. Well, I haven’t been in over six years, since before I owned this bar, so I guess they wouldn’t know this used to be the norm for me.
“Come in,” I say, raising my head off my desk, keeping my eyes closed as I sit back.
“Hello, Landon.”
I jolt up, my eyes springing open, landing on the last person I would expect to see standing in the doorway of this bar or any other.
“Hey, Mrs. McQueen.” I move to stand up, but she gestures for me to sit back down. “What brings you in? I know Pastor Ricardo wouldn’t approve of you making a stop in our bar, even if it’s to save and recruit a few lost souls.”
She smiles. “The souls in here have to save themselves if they’re in here sipping on sinner’s juice before noon.”
I laugh. This is the first time she has ever said anything to me that was remotely funny.
“But I’d be happy to stop by on occasion to try if you’d like?”
“I don’t think my business could withstand you, or your daughters. What can I do for you?”
“Lacey.”
“Lacey.” I stare, confused.
“And my grandson.” She points to the seat in front of me, and I nod my approval for her to sit. “You’ve got some kind of a hold on them. You’ve always had it on Lacey, but now my grandson is involved, and he’s hurting too. You’ve come into his life, and although I wish it was different, you made his mother happy.”
I shake my head pressing my lips together. “That’s not the truth. If I did, you wouldn’t be here.”
“You know Lacey’s road.” She looks at me with a piercing stare. “How far she’s come from where she was. She’s opened up her heart to you for her son.”
“I miss her and Jacob,” I manage to say, a burning in my throat at the memory of last night.
“You’re both hurting each other, and it’s not only you two now, but also your children. When you came back, I was scared for Lacey, that you would set her back. An unwelcome reminder of everything she’s worked hard to regain. I was wrong. You’ve changed; you’ve become a man that can shoulder the ups and downs of the tragedies in life. I’ve seen you with your son and Jacob. I see the love you have for Lacey transferred to him, because he is a part of her. I’m not happy you’re married and seeing my daughter. If things aren’t done right, they cannot last. Do you love your wife?”
I open my mouth, and she stops me. “Think about it before you answer. Give me the right answer. If not, I’m out of the door, my grandson’s and daughter’s lives going with me. For good.”
“Bree and I are not together, and we never will be again. I love her only as my son’s mother. I respect her as such. I love Lacey. It’s always been Lacey. I couldn’t have her, so I tried with Bree, without resolving my feelings for Lacey and closing that chapter in my life. Maybe that was wrong of me. But I knew no other way. Lacey is it for me, Mrs. McQueen. Forever.”
There’s a familiar, overwhelming urge to put my hand over my heart where forever is marked. Balling my hand into a fist, I resist.
“The answer of a man who is acknowledging and taking responsibility for the choices he’s made, with respect for his past life, and the women in it.” She sighs, straightening. “Fear is a crippling thing. It takes hold of our lives, if we let it, and keeps us from moving forward, from living the best lives we can with happiness and love.” She looks down at her bag in her lap. “Sometimes it’s not your own. It can be forced on you by others, disguised as love and doing what’s best for you.”
She keeps her eyes down, and I wonder where she’s going with this. Wherever it is, she seems uncomfortable, though she was as sure as she’s ever been just moments earlier.
“I don’t believe in termination of life, Landon. I’m ashamed to say I asked that of Lacey when we found out about Jacob. I let my fear change my values and the core of who I am, and what I believe in, because I was scared. I didn’t think she could handle what was ahead of her. The shame, rejection, people’s ignorance, unfair judgment of what they didn’t know.” Her watery eyes look to me. “What I didn’t know.”
“You wanted her to terminate Jacob, like me,” I say, understanding what she’s going through just telling me this.
“In her fear, she stayed strong. She refused. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t back down.” She shakes her head as if she’s reliving it. “I thought, why would she do this if she could make it all disappear? I thought I had the answers for her. I knew best. She considered adoption, and I pushed it forward at full speed. When she had the baby, it was going to be whisked away. She could start to repair her life, and she would be stronger.” She shakes her head slowly.
“She stayed strong and refused to let you make the decision for her.”
“I’m profoundly glad she did. I had a plan, but God and Lacey had other plans. Plans I could not have seen, in my fear and my shame for what happened to her.” She clenches her hands together.
I see the discoloration interrupting the flow of circulation in her hands. I can see she can’t bear to talk about this, even after many years. I understand. I feel her pain. Coming around the desk, I sit against it, taking her hand. Something she once did for me long ago when I thought I couldn’t bear the pain of letting go. That we’ve never spoken of to this day.
“I was her mother. How could this happen to her? I couldn’t help her.” She closes her eyes, wiping at them. She pats my hand before letting them go and composing herself again. “The point I was trying to make is, because she wouldn’t succumb to my fears, we had the most beautiful thing come into our lives. He brought her out of the darkness and into the light with the innocence of his pure love. He helped her back to love and trust again, to believe it was possible to love and be loved. Landon, there is power in fear, but it will and can never be as powerful as love.
“Lacey’s fear is taking over her love for you. Do you want my daughter, Landon? Overrule her fear. Give her what she needs. Make her believe you’re not going anywhere, that you are here to stay for good. Show them you’re not leaving them; let them believe in forever. Love over fear.” She left me quickly after that, done with what she’d come for.
I sat for a long time, going over all the things that have come to pass through the years. My life with Bree. Having Jacob, who I’m forever proud of and love with all my heart. I decided things had to change. They had to change for all of us, if we were all going to live our best lives. Love over fear, for all of us.
