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“You don’t need to ask. It’s your room, too, so is the house.” She puts her book in her lap and sits up in the bed.
I nod, walking in, sitting beside her. “You know how we’ve been keeping things normal around here, for Jackson not to notice things are changing?”
“They’re only changing because you’re—I’m still willing to try.”
“Bree.”
She sighs. “Things are the same to him. They haven’t changed much.”
“They’ve changed enough. He noticed.”
“How? We haven’t said anything to him, and his schedule is the same for now.”
“After the bedtime story, he asked me why we weren’t sleeping in the same room. He wanted to know if I was leaving, because I always leave at night. He says you’re not happy, and I’m angry.”
“God, Landon.” She runs her hands over her face, brushing her hair back. “He shouldn’t have to see this. His parents…it’s not fair for him. I thought we were doing good, keeping our crap away from him. We suck. I use to think we were good parents. Not.”
Blonde hair, pouty lips, green eyes, and a great personality to match her figure. She hasn’t changed much from the night I met her. To any guy, she would be a great partner. But that wasn’t top of the list for me the night I met her, and we hooked up. Hell, I didn’t have a list. I hardly remembered her the next morning when I woke up in her bed. That was the beginning of us. Not a great how-we-met story to tell your kid or anyone else.
I rub her leg, gaining her attention back. Her moist eyes are sparkling in the light. “We are doing the best we can to keep him from getting hurt. Transition and change are not easy for anyone, least of all a six-year-old who doesn’t know the full story of what’s going on in his parents’ marriage. Which we both agreed he shouldn’t.”
She covers my hand on her leg with hers; they’re warm and soft like always.
“I’m not sure if that’s the right choice anymore, Landon. I don’t know what we’re doing. Sometimes it seems right, and another time it doesn’t.”
“We’re not doing bad. We need to keep being as honest as possible with him. Like I did tonight. I answered his questions the best way I knew how without lying to him. He was satisfied with the answers he got. We’ll keep reassuring him we’re here for him, and I think he’ll be okay.”
I smile at her, giving her leg a squeeze. She smiles back. Her fingers brush the back of my hand. It feels nice. Familiar. They slide up, come together encircling my wrist. I know what’s going to come. I wish I wanted it to play out how it used to.
She wets her lips, eyes fixed on where our hands make contact. Her voice lowers. “You don’t have to go to the other room. You can sleep here tonight, if you want.”
I wish our problems were as simple as that. I don’t need to say anything. She knows. We both know. I kiss the top of her head, lingering for a second, and say, “Good night,” closing the door behind me after I leave the room.
For a split second, I considered it, but knew what would happen: what always happens. We would have sex, and for a few days things will be all right. Then slowly things would go back to the way they were, and that feeling I had would sink back in again—the feeling of not being enough for her, because I can’t give her what she fully wants. I can’t love her the way she deserves. I never could. The guilt of that sets in and then being intimate with her feels all sorts of wrong, like I’m taking advantage of her feelings for me, for my own selfish needs. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s a cycle we go through that has to be broken. If it isn’t, we’re going to end up hurting the one person we do love—our son.
* * *
So my pastand my present have met up. Maybe I was a fool not to consider that it would when we moved back. But, we were a county apart before, and it seemed like another state, and it’s not like we haven’t been back here to visit. I guess it was only a matter of time before we ran into each other. We’ve been living here for a year. Subconsciously I had to know Lacey and I would see each other again. Didn’t want to get my hopes up, I guess.
Sitting at the kitchen table, beer in hand, I call Trigg to see what’s up. It’s the least I could do after bailing on him. I should be working, but I didn’t want to leave after my talk with Jackson. He needs me here tonight more than the bar.
“How are things going?” I ask when he answers his phone.
“Same as usual. Customers rolling in, getting their drinks on. I’m taking inventory of the hot chicks. At the end of the night, I’ll make my final pick. See which one wants to go home with the strapping owner of this fine establishment.”
I smile tapping the beer bottle. “You’ll never change, will you?”
“You know how I do.”
“I sure do. A crazy chick better not come back to burn down that fine establishment that’s half mine. I’m going to give her the fastest directions and a map to your house.”
He laughs over the music and noise of the patrons in the background. “What up, man?”
“Checking in, seeing if you need a hand. Sorry for bailing last minute. We can call in Teddy for the night to help tend the bar.”
“You know we have this covered. What’s really up?”
“Ran into my past yesterday.”
